Post Script

I've been meaning to do this FOREVER. My amazing blogging buddy Jessica (: gave me this wonderful award...










So thank you Jess :D You are totally amazing and sweet! I want to nominate aslaug. She has an amazing and inspiring blog (: plus she lives in another country, how fun is that?? I also want to nominate Steph because she's my girl and always gives me wonderful encouragement. She's wise at her 13 years :) And basically I would nominate every single blogger to the right, but that would take awhile ;) so there we go for now.

Much love to all!!

Confessions of a Teenage Christian

I have been living the boring Christian life. I'm not being blasphemous, I'm being honest. There is a very wide, giant, apparent line between living a vibrant, sold-out Christian life, and living the safe, boring Christian life that I've been living. That so many of us live.

I've decided to tap-dance, bunny hop, spin, walk, crawl, roll, run across the line that separates me from living a safe life. There will be tears and blood. This year, my "New Year's Resolution"... I'm praying to be pushed, shoved, pulled, yanked, dragged to my limit. I want to be beyond exhaustion, sobbing, barely breathing. And then? I want to go beyond my limit. I want God to shatter any limitations. All things are possible with God right? Why don't I start living that verse in an extreme way?

I have no idea what this is going to look like. I'm not sure what limits I think I have. I'm not sure what is going to break me. And I'm not sure what form God's help will come in. But battles will come and with it comes help. The help of a MIGHTY Savior.

Complacent is the big yellow, green, pink neon sign flashing above my head. And I'm ashamed, tired, sick of that sign and the obvious truth it holds.

My heart is not dead.

So why do I live like it is? I'm still breathing. The heart is still beating. My soul still yearns. My mind still dreams. My body still moves.
I still believe in passionate romance, and I'm not afraid of it.
I still believe in deep relationships with God, friends, family, and strangers. Connections that make no sense.
I still believe in pain that needs to be met, and I have hands and feet to meet those needs.
I still believe in God. A God that moves mountains people! A God that death itself cannot beat. A God who beats down the devil. My God reigns on high. My God takes care of His people. My God is passionate. The God we serve does not fit into the confines of a box, so stop trying to place Him in one.

I want conviction. I want passion. I want chains to be broken. I want the true freedom of the Cross, not the pretend freedom so many of us live. There is more. A sacred romance meant to be lived between God and His people. A grand adventure that He wants to share with you, with me, with everyone. Death has been conquered, so we need to stop being zombies. To die is gain, and you know what that gain is? CHRIST. Have you met Him? I'm hoping to encounter Him in amazing ways, starting this moment.

Bring it on.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas my blogging buddies.

I pray you and your loved ones have a very happy one. Fill it with tons of laughter, love, and good fellowship!

May Jesus be at the forefront of your minds.

God be with you,
Samantha

Review

This week is finals week. I have taken my three finals and all I have left to do is write an essay. Then? I'm finished with my first semester of college.

It's shocking to me how quickly the semester went by. It's shocking how well, overall, that I adjusted. There were obviously hard times, but there was never a moment in my mind when I seriously considered moving back to Lewiston.

I did it. I survived. I learned I can do something new and exciting (and wholly terrifying) with the help of my Lord and those He places around me. I'm quite ecstatic about where I am in life (:

I'm making deep connections with people, people I never would have imagined being friends with. I'm touching lives and being touched. Stepping out and helping in a church. Learning the meaning of actual forgiveness. I'm crying and laughing... crying. Thank You Jesus for these tears.

I think what I did last night is a true example of what I've learned this semester. I baby-sat instead of studying for finals. I took care of a little girl that was sick while distracting her brother and sister with some fun. I put them to bed, snug safe and warm after prayers. I was rewarded with hugs and cookies (: Instead of studying for my finals I spent the night playing hide and seek with my friends. And it was one of the best times, filled with laughter that kills your stomach. Instead of studying for finals I spent time with God, the One who matters, the One who held me throughout these past few months. The realization I had years ago is continually being affirmed in my life, the thing that matters most is your relationships. So, while I am here to go to college, I'm also here to cultivate my life with true and deep relationships.

I'm dancing to my own tune. And it's a painful process. Sometimes my guitar string breaks, my voice cracks, my drum explodes, and sometimes the show gets canceled. But you know what? It's worth it, because when you're a musician you love what you do, and when you are living your life, you ultimately love it. Because in those sweet moments when the crowd is applauding your performance as a musician it's all worth it. Equally so, those moments when your heart is almost exploding out of your chest with happiness, your life is worth it.

Right now, I don't have the clearest direction for my life. Every time that I think I have a vision for my future, it changes. And I really am okay with that for the moment. I've met so many people that know exactly what God has for them and that's wonderful. But He doesn't have me in that spot yet. He leads, I follow. And sometimes? It's more fun to just enjoy the ride, the purpose will be fulfilled.

Breathe my dear friends. Touch hearts. Live with a passion for the Lord and all things fall into place. LAUGH. Smile. CrY. Jump. Dance. Sing. Fall. Get back up. Breathe.

Even in the hard places there is hope at the end of the tunnel. But you know what's great about that tunnel? There's Jesus right beside you, holding Your hand and guiding you through the tunnel. Even though it's too dark for you to see Him, He's still there. So hold on to that hand and trust. It's worth it.

One more essay, I think I'm ready. :)

Crazy.

I'm beginning to think that I'm crazy. Nobody thinks the fact that I'm upset about not being with my parents and friends I'm used to celebrating my birthday with is really a big deal. I should just get over it and enjoy my birthday as best I can.
So then, if all these people think I should get over it... perhaps I should?
sdklfjjwe
Yep.
Crazzzy.

Dude.

I have a huge speech to prepare (from scratch) before tomorrow morning at 7:30. And I can NOT focus. So often I'm finding that it really has to be crunch time before I'm motivated to do anything.

Not to mention the fact that depression makes it hard to focus on much of anything. All that I want to do these days is write and sleep. Haha. Ha.

Okay, so not very funny.
Anyway.

Jesus.
Well we started talking again. Rather I began communicating with Him again, He never stops talking to us. It's amazing to think that we can be in constant communication with our Lord and Savior. What an open path of communication. I don't think I could constantly talk to ANYONE. Let alone what an honor it is to constantly talk to the KING OF THE UNIVERSE.

Praying has always been really difficult for me, so usually when things start going down the drain that's the thing that stops first. And apparently not praying is not the best thing. As I have been going down this path I've started to realize that my prayer time does not have to be this time where I ask great blessings upon the people around me. It's normal conversation. Conversations I would have with good friends and family. It helps me to better understand what a picture of prayer really looks like.

It's been nice to speak with Him again. It's like getting over a fight with a good friend and catching up over the past few weeks you haven't been talking.

It hasn't yet changed the fact that life is just hard right now. But I have given up trying to make everything better and trying to solve everything in one go. It simply isn't realistic. And it's not how we are made. Life is a process and it typically doesn't get fixed in one day. So no more trying to be superwoman and save myself. I'm leaving it up to Jesus.

My birthday is Friday. And I'm sad. I won't be with people that have always been there to celebrate it with me. But I suppose it's time to forge new memories with new friends. And that part is exciting. But it will still be the hardest birthday I've yet experienced.

Meh.
My heart is heavy, but at least I know Jesus is holding it in His strong and careful hands.

Hope you all are well.
Love,
Samantha

Breaking Dawn.

The dawn of day begins to break. She looks out the window and sighs. A bright blue is barely peaking through pink and orange hues. The beauty of a Master Creator is shining for all the world to see.

Her heart is still beating. Her lungs are still breathing. Her mouth can still smile. She made it through another night. There is much to be thankful for in a broken world.

The sigh is a mixture of contentment and also of anxiety. Her anxious thoughts are numerous, yet she tries to appreciate the beauty of the moment. Living in the moment is a strange concept these days. Her future and past dominate her thoughts. Regrets regarding the past haunt her soul. Hopes for the future dominate her dreams. And her present? She just can't deal with it.

Slipping off the bed she pads down the hall toward the kitchen. She pours a cup of coffee and adds some hazelnut creamer. Sniffing in the aroma she closes her eyes and lays her head against the frosty window. So much has changed, so much is still the same. Taking a sip of her coffee she decides to open up the journal that has been gathering a layer of dust for the past couple of weeks.

Reading over the past entry she laughs almost mockingly. It was filled with such joy and hope. And what happened the next day? She crashed of course. Spiraling downward she fell into her depression. Depression was a pool of black, murky water she was all too familiar with. These days instead of trying to fight it, she usually just sat in it, soaking it up. At least she felt something during these times.

After popping her knuckles she began writing furiously. Pain, pain of the present moment, flowed from her fingers. Sentences that she hadn't allowed to escape from deep down in her soul poured forth onto the pages. Words that asked the questions deep in her mind. Words that voiced her doubts, anger, frustration, and sadness. Words that exposed the helplessness she felt for people nearest her, let alone the billions of hurting souls in the world. So much had been weighing her down. She felt anchored to the very depths of hell. Chains were choking her so much that scars were embedded deep into her skin.

Journaling wasn't enough. She fell to her knees and screamed. Tears fell from her eyes unceasingly. She was SO tired. So tired of trying, so tired of caring, so tired of fixing things. She couldn't do it anymore. The weight of the world was not hers to carry. Falling further she sobbed upon her face until there was nothing left. Laying on the ground she could utter no other words except for "I surrender." With these two words repeated over and over the weight began to lift.

Piece by piece, chains began to break, scars began to heal. The anchor that had been weighing her down was broken and her body began to float. The burning embers of hell no longer controlled her body. Her heart was being set free.

Jesus.

The one who had been willing to save her soul, was still willing to save her in this moment. The realization that He never leaves and was there during the darkest times, including the past two weeks was almost more than she could handle. New tears began to flow freely. These tears were not those anger, deep sadness, or frustration. They were tears of hope. Not hope for the future, but hope for the present moment. Because in the present moment, Jesus was there.

After what seemed like hours of lying on the floor she picked herself back up and began to walk back toward her bedroom. The scars, more faint, were still present. They would serve as reminders. Her throat burned from the pain that had been released and she knew this feeling would return again one day. Her eyes were heavy, but it was worth it because her heart was lighter.

Life would never be perfect, at least not during her time on earth. But perhaps, just maybe, there is in fact more than trudging through the muck and mire alone. She smiled faintly as she thought about her Jesus. It would be a long journey of healing. A long journey of going Home. But the path she could handle, the obstacles she could jump, the twists she could turn, because He had already done the hard part.

As she reached her windown she tore open the blinds further. She was not surprised to see the sky fully blue and the sun high up. A new day had dawned, a new page had turned, and knowing that the pen was no longer in her hand was the thing she was most thankful for today.

Plans, Life, Sunflower Seeds, Emotions

Don't make plans...
I did not get caught up on anyone's blogs, I have not finished your letter yet Steph, homework has fallen to the way side.
Life is hurting.
Sunflower seeds are yummy, but they hurt my tongue.
Emotions... I'm too emotional about 1/2 of my life and too emotionless about the other half. Something must be wrong.
God is challenging me. I'm challenging God. Questions with no answers spin around in my soul. Painful.
Barely breathing.

My campus pastor, Bill, says it's a good thing I've been having hard times lately. It shows God is growing me.
Yay.
Do you know how hard it is to choose joy when all you feel is anger, frustration, sadness?
Of course you do, we all go through these times.
Today the pressure is not so painful, breathing is somewhat easier.

I'm still running away from anyone that is having problems. I feel like a horrible person. But I just can't counsel people right now. I'm being emotionally drained by myself, let alone other people. It DOES cause more pain when I, the mother hen to all her friends and anyone else that needs help, just can't do it.
Broken. I feel broken.
I haven't given up talking to God, at least not journaling to Him. Prayer is a bit harder for me, but writing is my outlet. Pain flows from my fingers, and yet I know He still loves me and I still love Him. I know He died for me and I would die for Him. The basics are still there, and that's the hope that keeps me going. As for all these strange, challenging, frustrating details? We're apparently working through it. It's a slow, grueling process.

Depression sucks.
I don't even have the energy to battle it. I don't have the energy to deal with the mundane details of life like homework and job stuff and whatever else.
I NEED time with God.
Time that isn't going to be interrupted. Time that doesn't end up with me thinking about the 85 million things that I have to do. I need time with my Jesus focused entirely upon me and Him. And more than just hour increments here and there. My soul needs it.
Life.
Should.
Pause.

Breathe You In - Thousand Foot Krutch
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

[Chorus:]
I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

[Chorus]

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Wanna breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I wanna breathe

Samantha is...

Flying home(?) or flying away from home, depending on how you look at things...
She will respond to comments later, and will get caught up on your blogs within the next couple of days.


Stepheny Weaver- I am going to write your letter and send it Monday!! :D
Steph- I am excited you are blogging again!

Everyone else- MUCH LOVE :-D

Tick-Tock

Tick-Tock goes the clock as I wait for the time to pass. Seven more hours and I'll be in the airport, waiting for my flight to take me to Lewiston. Nine more hours and I'll be on the airplane that takes me home.
I'm SO excited to see my parents. And I look forward to seeing old friends. Tonight, after I put my parents to bed ;) I am going to see Twilight with my good friend Heather... the midnight premiere of it!! It should be great fun :D I know of a couple other girlfriends that are gonna go to it too. Yay!

But as that is not until much later, I am trying to enjoy my day. Each minute is a precious GIFT and I must rejoice in the day the Lord made. I'm enjoying my time at the Biblical Studies Center. I am going to read part of Pilgrim's Progress, eat a Turkey Dinner for lunch, and then go to my Bible as Literature class. Good fellowship all day long. My heart is leaping.

I truly do love Boise and all that I'm learning. I know that God has me here for a reason. The people that I've met that have been impacting me is so vital in my walk with the Lord. And I really feel like for the first time I'm making a difference for the Kingdom. It's a blessing.

Speaking of blessings, I've been doing this thing that each time I journal I write a list of all of that day's blessings. It is a huge help in reminding me all that I have and it helps me think more of the positive than the negative.

Well, this is a random, quick update, but since I finally had some time I thought I would write a bit.

Hope you all are well.
-Love, Samantha

Powerful Video

Update

Writer's block is quite a wretched thing.
Words float around in the brain, eager to be placed in order on paper (or... on blogspot ;) Thus far, my brain has not been able to communicate well with my hands in order to make this happen.
I think I know why.
-Sigh-
Sometimes, I wonder why God cares so much.

But... a quick update:
-I taught the toddlers in my church yesterday, it was GREAT (: I love little kids!!
-I went to Disney on Ice with my auntie and her grandson (the best little boy EVER!!!), it was great. I love being a little kid ;)
-I fly home in ten days.
-I have lots of homework to accomplish between then and now.
-I'm jogging/walking with hopes of running again (:
-I am the epitome of a dead broke college student. Donations can be sent to... ;)
-I'm fasting breakfast and dinner today, and all day Wednesday. I would love your prayers as Wednesday will be my first time doing this. And I know it says we should not fast as the pharisees do, but I'm really not asking for your prayers for attention. I believe Satan wishes us to feel like we can't tell anyone when we really do need the encouragement and prayers from other believers. We are a body for a reason (:
-Life is overall good. But I'm dealing with a lot of past issues (or... not dealing) and Jesus is trying to clean out my heart. It's a painful process. But I REALLY am joyful and I REALLY am thankful (:
<3Lotssofloveandprayerss you bloggies!

Break.

I need to take a break from the paper that I am writing. So, I'm going to capture some of my college moments for you bloggers with pictures from my cell phone (:

This is where I sleep every night. It's typically not that pretty looking, don't let me fool you (:

This is where I do all my homework, unless I am in the library... speaking of the library...

I have found quite a lovely place to do my hardest work, it's peaceful, very quiet, I love it (: Plus it's on the third floor and after 21, 3 is my favorite number!

In fact, before the library closed I was working diligently on my five-page+ paper for Western History, good times!!
College is NOT all work and no play (it's a lie they try to scare you with, I promise!) Me and my girls have fun...

We bake cookies, and they are absolutely delicious :D

We take crazy pictures in bathrooms!

We play with ponies and elves (:

Football games are a must.

Getting free coffee from Dutch Bros. is a talent (: one I have mastered, yay me!

Sometimes we get owies (I take care of people, don't worry! ;)

We make yummy caramel dipped apples.

We get stuck in rush-hour traffic :P

AND we gets to play with animals :D

College is the life for me. I am certainly blessed. Oh yes (: Hope you enjoy pictures from my life!

Messy.

My room is messy.
My heart is messy.
My finances are messy.
My relationships are messy.
My body is messy.
My hair is messy.
My college education is messy.
My future is messy.
My present is messy.
My past is messy.

I'm the crazy purple... Jesus is the perfect circle.



I'm a messy, sinful, disgusting human being (even if I choose to draw myself as the bestest color in the world! ;)) And you know how my Father sees me?

WHOLE.

You know how? You know why??? Because I'm found in Jesus. I'm made whole in His name. My transgressions are lost in the sinlessness of this Divine Man.

No matter what's going on in my life, no matter how crappy I think I am. No matter my past, my present or my future. I am made WHOLE when found in my Savior.

Thank You Jesus.

This Life

This life is crazy my dear friends.

I'm finding more and more that it is quite possible for me to experience absolutely every single emotion in the course of 12 hours. From absolute bliss to contentment. To frustration with my life to praising the Creator for how perfect my life is. Going from a whiny brat to a child flat on her face asking forgiveness. And of course the list goes on.

Yesterday was not the best day for me, and yet in so many ways it was the PERFECT day.

I woke up, wide awake, ready to start the day. Stepped outside of my dorm and the weather was warm. This has been a rarity, especially at 7:30 in the morning. I smiled and trotted along toward my class and enjoyed learning about the next speech we will be producing. Afterward I had breakfast with my friends Matthew and Abby. After Matthew left Abby and I had a delightful and insightful discussion over the struggles women face that are so often seen as only a man's struggle (will post about this another time.) Continuing my day I went back to my dorm spent some time doing nothing too exciting, napped, then went to my Philosophy class. Walking back to my dorm I was struck by how beautiful the campus is. Leaves were swirling around, students were laughing and chatting, workers were clearing the leaves from the pathway, it was so picturesque.

I received a package from one of my dearest and oldest friends from my hometown. Eagerly ripping it open, I pulled out a book and a three-page long letter. Walking around the campus, waiting for a friend to eat lunch with, I pored over the letter. It was straight out of a movie... picture it: A young blonde girl, Freshmen in college, just received a letter from a dear friend of her "past" while waiting for a "new" friend to continue her present with, anyway. The letter spoke of deep heartache, deep questions, and a yearning... a yearning for something more... different. And as I read these broken words I wanted so dearly to just hold her and pray over her and tell her everything would be okay, but I couldn't. And that's when the day began to go downhill.

Thoughts swirled around in my brain - angry thoughts, frustrated thoughts, hopeless thoughts. Where am I? Am I where God wants me to be? If so, why do I feel so helpless? Why do I feel so alone? Why AM I so alone? What is He going to do with my life? Why don't I have the answers? WHY WHY WHY?! These thoughts were penetrating my heart and mind. Thoughts of complete doubt. Sinful thoughts of doubt. And where was I a mere few minutes ago? Completely content with my life and enjoying my life with my Savior. In hindsight, I can see this as an attack of the enemy. At the time? I knew something was so inherently wrong with me, something was so sick and dark and twisted in me, that I was not a worthy person. So I slept. And slept. Read. And slept.

My father called me to wish me a Happy Halloween and I started bawling. Pangs of homesickness washed over me, my first holiday away from my dear parents. I couldn't handle it... I called my CaseyMay and boy did she speak the truth to me. What are friends for, if they do not speak the truth in love? She would not have been my bestie if she hadn't turned me to our Lord. Getting off the phone I was laying on my bed. Hurt, frustrated, sad, falling into my pit of depression. But as I cried out to my Jesus, telling Him what was going on, letting Him in... a peace came over me. He is not called the Prince of Peace for nothing.

Sometimes... I don't have the answers. Trust.
Sometimes... I don't know where I'm going. Trust.
Sometimes... I can do nothing for the ones I love but pray. Trust.
Sometimes... I feel all alone. Trust.
Sometimes... I fear He will not use me. Trust.
Sometimes... I feel inadequate. Trust.
Sometimes... I feel worthless. Trust.

Trust in the Father that He has the answers. Trust in my Jesus that He knows where I'm going and He will guide my footsteps. Trust that God will take care of my loved ones. Trust that I'm NEVER ALONE. Trust that God has a plan for my life. Trust that I am not inadequate through Jesus. Trust that my life was worth enough for my Savior to die on the cross.

I'm getting attacked, but I'm choosing joy for once. I figured out Satan was trying to get hold of my heart and my life. But he lost this battle and has already lost the war. He will not pull me down. I'm hanging on to my Jesus.

Later that night my pants were blessed off me (figuratively ;) I found out my brother has a roommate (albeit a female) that believes in God and has a faith that she lives out... an answer to my prayer that God would bring into his life people that know God and will love on him. I met with a woman who is willing to be my mentor. A dear older woman, wise in the faith, wise in years, who is going to take me under her wing. Willingly, happily ready to work with me. I was able to fellowship with people I have come to love and adore. And the most amazing of all? God used me to minister to a homeless man, that man allowed me to pray for him and his struggles... and I wasn't afraid to step out because Jesus was with me.

This life is indeed crazy, but my dear friends, my dear Jesus... and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy Halloween??

Since I grew up in a non-believing home I have always celebrated Halloween. I remember the great anticipation of the days leading up to the night of candy, costumes, and family/friend time. Never in all my 12 years of trick-or-treating did I believe that I was worshiping Satan. Nor did I ever have satanic thoughts. Nor did I ever believe I was going to become the thing of which I was dressing up to be. I turned out to be a Bible-believing Christian after years of witch costumes, pumpkin costumes, clown costumes, etc.

So why do I now question whether or not when I'm older if I'll let my children (if I ever do get married and have children) get dressed up and go trick-or-treating?
Why do I question whether or not I'll let them believe in Santa Clause?
Why am I now forced to question whether or not I'll give them money for their baby teeth and say it was the tooth fairy?

What are wrong with these traditions as long as you keep in your heart and at the fore-front of your mind the one true King, Jesus Christ?

Apparently my up-bringing and family traditions are at odds with Christian values.
So what do I do?

All I know is that tonight, I'm dressing up as a butterfly and I'm going to a "Harvest Party" and I wonder, what in the world is the difference? Dress it up however you like... Harvest Parties are Halloween in sheep's clothing. But if it makes you feel better to call it something else, then go for it.

-End Soap Box-

So.. I Met This Man...

All right ladies. I have a confession to make (well... and males, but no males ever post on my blog so I'm just assuming my readership is of the female kind.) I met this man... Well, I've known him for awhile... but I'm really getting to KNOW him lately. He's been such a good guy. He cares about my heart. He cherishes the time we spend together. He's full of wisdom. He listens reallly well. His advice has been perfect. He fights for my heart. Holds me so sweetly in his arms. His whispers have the power to heal my soul. His voice lulls me to sleep. He's the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I can NOT get him outta my head. He's EVERYWHERE. He's with me in all of my classes, He goes to Impact with Synergy with me. He spends time with me when I'm at my aunt's and when I'm hanging out with my friends. And I NEVER get tired of him. He's perfect, he's "the one."

He goes by the name of Jesus, I wonder... do you know Him?

I'm Walking on Sonshine, wooooah!

Truly, these past three days have been overly delightful. Never mind the fact that homework is quite a bother and I'm severely tired of my Economics class (mostly because of my creepy teacher, but that is another blog for another moment.) I have been blessed by so many people. Blessed by God. I'm living in the moment, breath by breath. Dancing around in the cold weather, wrapped in my warm scarf, coffee in one hand, friends' hands in the other. I'm smiling as I feel God's love poured upon me. My heart stretches to capacity as I anticipate the journey I am beginning with Him. A journey of Him and I, just the two of us. He has separated me from the most important people in my life, and is showing me that He really can be all that I need. He IS all that I need. He is all that I want.

He's showing me that I have an opportunity to become close with new people. And even though I dread the thought of starting over and trying to forge new paths with new people, I'm finally ready. And I finally feel like it's okay. I know that my family and friends from Lewiston will always mean sooo much to me, and I to them, but we have indeed been separated for the moment, for a reason. We are going down different paths (albeit quite parallel.) It's so much fun and a real blessing for me to watch my friends grow, experience new things, and find their place in this world apart from me and their environment, their place with God.

And now it's my turn. With God guiding my every footstep I'm going to become Samantha in Christ. My faith is going to be my own. My personality will be what my soul has been bursting to be. I am going to go where God wants me to go, even if it's further away from the ones I love. I know I feel pulls and desires for a reason, and I think it's time to give into those desires. I'm tired of playing "good little Christian girl." It was fun for awhile, but complacency is not where my heart is.

I'm dancing around, hurriedly spinning circles, leaping through the air, prancing around, and laughing the whole time. Life is meant to be forward movement. Life is meant to be experienced with joy (true joy that the Cross gives us.) Life is meant to be placed in the Father's hands, for Jesus can give us life, and life abundantly. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, the next day, the week after, or three years down the road. But I know that I'm entering into a relationship focused upon God and Jesus and the Loving Spirit. And I know I've felt this way before, but something is different this time. It's a heart understanding instead of a head understanding.

I'm ready to jump into my Daddy's arms and begin a lifelong journey, an eternal journey with Him. I'm going to become the woman of God that I can, want, should be. I'm gonna find my place in this world, a place that helps advance His kingdom. I'm gonna be more than a bump on a log. I would ask that you would pray for me as I begin my movement forward. It's going to be a scary journey, but an exciting one. And I know the enemy will try to stop me. So prayers would be soo very appreciated.

Hurray, hurray! I'm walking, jogging, running on Sonshine. And my word, it feels good!

Duuude, when you say it like this...

“The Cross was at once the most horrible and the most beautiful example of God’s wrath. It was the most just and the most gracious act in history. God would have been more than unjust, He would have been diabolical to punish Jesus if Jesus had not first willingly taken on Himself the sins of the world. Once Christ had done that, once He volunteered to be the Lamb of God, laden with our sin, then He became the most grotesque and vile thing on this planet. With the concentrated load of sin He carried, He became utterly repugnant to the Father. God poured out His wrath on this obscene thing. God made Christ accursed for the sin He bore. Herein was God’s holy justice perfectly manifest. Yet it was done for us. He took what justice demanded from us.

- RC Sproul, The Holiness of God (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House, 1998), 121.

When put this way... wow, it really makes a person think.
(Emphasis mine.)

Random

I just wanted to mention how much I love my mommy. She is getting all technologically advanced so that we can keep in better contact. She has a MySpace, texts me, sends me pics and videos via our cell phones, these are quite amazing feats for her and I love that she is trying.
And another thing, she totally makes me laugh. She is constantly talking about how I need to get a job so that I can make my car payment. So, I'm getting all these contacts for baby-sitting and what-not, and what does she say? "Well, make sure that you have enough time to do your homework." Haha, that woman, she's a cute one. If I'm not striving for a job I need one, if I'm striving for a job I need to focus on school. Truly, she's a gem. YOU CAN'T HAVE HER ;)
Unless your name is CaseyMay, in which case, I'll share :D

Mid-terms

You know what else I love?
Mid-terms.
You know why? Because when you see that 97% you realize all the studying/worrying/etc. paid off (:
Hooraay!!!

Cafeteria.

I've decided that over-all in the morning I quite adore Boise State's own Table Rock Cafe (the "snazzy" name for our cafeteria.) It's peaceful, no screaming college kids in the morning. They have the best yogurt and granola ever. You get to see the football players in all their non-football glory (meaning, they aren't big men on campus when bleary-eyed and hungry like everyone else.) It's simply, lovely. (:

One thing I could do without?
Pajamas. I have decided that I am really not a fan of people in their pajamas. I guess I just don't like to see what people sleep in (unless of course I've known you for longer than a period of two seconds.)

:D

Sometimes.

Sometimes her heart hurts so much she can only fake a smile.
Sometimes her heart is so happy she lights up the room with her smile.
Sometimes her heart hurts so much she can only dream of sleeping.
Sometimes her heart is so happy that her dreams become those of her Father.
Sometimes her heart hurts so much she cries tears and nobody notices.
Sometimes her heart is so happy that she'll laugh until she cries.
Sometimes her heart hurts so much she wonders if she'll make it to tomorrow.
Sometimes her heart is so happy that she can ponder happily the next 60 years.

This is the drowning sorrow of depression.
This is the joyful freedom of the Cross.

These are the two forces that battle for her soul daily.

Guess who won the battle today?
Thankfully she can remember Who will win the war.

Sami is

SICK :(
It could be due to the fact that I baby-sat two childrens with colds. Or the fact I only got three hours of sleep last night. Or the fact I didn't write a five-page paper until this morning at 4:00 am and was completely stressed out.

(: Take your pick!

The Shack

I read The Shack by William Young over the weekend. Really amazing and fantastic book. I highly recommend it.

I'm writing a quite lengthy post, so I will post it once I finish it.

I will try to comment all of you lovely people out in blog-land ASAP.

Right now I'm barely keeping my head above water though :P

Praying for you and thinking of you often!

My heart's current cry.

The Reality of Being Fake.

I walk by you, you don't notice. I smile, you don't see the sadness. I laugh, you don't see the tears. I tell you what you want to hear, you don't see through my lies. I dance, you can't see that my heart isn't in it. I breathe, you don't see the pain it causes me. I reach out, and you pull away. I turn away and search for Him.

I read the Bible, I'm beginning to question. I pray because I can and should, not because I want to. I'm living the perfect Christian life, my brain KNOWS, but my heart DOESN'T. I am convicted, but don't know what to do about it. I know there's more to this life, but right now I'm dead.

My heart cries out... I don't hear Your answer. I want to stop hurting, You allow the pain to continue. I'm tired of the depression that I just can't beat, You're trying to bring me closer, I'm only pulling away. My faith is dry. You say the faith of a mustard seed; I say what if I have the faith only the size of an electron? Is that enough? You walk toward me, I retreat further into myself. You have a plan, a purpose, a future for me and I can barely make it through the next minute. I asked you to break me, I didn't know it would feel so empty. I didn't know I'd feel so alone. When I call out, I doubt that you hear me. I'm reaching, searching, grasping, will You meet me here?

Can You turn my black roses red? Can You awaken my dead heart? Can You help me breathe? Can You help me understand You? Can I know You better? Can I be the servant You want me to be? Can You forgive me? Can You really be all that I need? Can we just spend some time together?

I






need





You.

I went back to Lewiston this past week from Wednesday to Sunday. It was... different than what I thought it would be. Refreshing, busy, exciting, sad: all my emotions were what I thought they'd be. But as far as Lewiston feeling like home? That would be a negative. And yet, does this dorm feel like home? No. I think that I'm in a place of limbo right now. Perhaps I won't have a true home until I settle down in one spot for longer than a year. But seeing as how my living situation probably won't be so permanent, at least for a couple of years, I'm currently just floating.

So much of my life feels like limbo. So many times I'm just waiting for something more. So many times I'm just yearning for what's next. You know this, I've spoken of it before. So how do you get to the point where you are completely content? Especially when Satan is constantly warring with Jesus for your soul. Can you really be content amongst that turmoil? Can you really be content when Satan is constantly distracting you? I understand trying to be joyful in all situations, and to count is as a blessing when you face trials, but contentment? I don't know about that.
And should one be content with the current state of the many unsaved souls around them? Should we be okay with how many people Satan has won over (if for the moment?) I don't think we should be content with that. I think we should be battling against the forces with all of our hearts, of course remembering Who is in control, but honestly, I think contentment is a joke. Perhaps, as Christians, we have gotten to be too content. Too safe and sound in our little bubble of Christianity. WE go to church, WE pray, WE spend time with God. But what of those people that have yet to experience the love of God? Do we just sit back contentedly while Satan reigns in their life? I don't think so. Should we as Christians be content in our walk with Jesus? Once again, I don't think so.
I'm really getting tired of mediocrity. In my own life most of all. I think these past few weeks I've been too set on trying to be content instead of making something happen. Maybe I feel bad inside for a reason. Maybe God is trying to push me. Heaven forbid He'd want me to actually grow instead of be content.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have even my own answer. I just know that something has to change. Something has to be different about my walk. Something has to be different about my life. I think that my yearning for more is there for a reason, sometimes yearning for more (as long as it's in line with what God wants for us) is a good thing. It's something necessary. I think we need to stop lying to ourselves about being content, it's an excuse. We sit back far too often while people die around us, condemned to hell for eternity, because we were busy trying to be content.

Something in my soul just doesn't feel right. And maybe, that's okay.

Breathe.

Did you know that when you turn off the noise, an amazing peace can occur. For three or so hours I turned off my phone, walked away from my computer, got dinner and went on a date with Jesus. Do you even understand how freeing it was to finally not have the distraction of my cell phone? The one mechanism I am attached to more than anything else? The one technological advance that can really distract me from my Heavenly Father? It was amazing. So much so, that I still haven't turned it back on. The only reason I'm on my computer is because I had homework and just wanted to share the peace, relief, joyfulness I felt when I turned off the noise and distractions and tuned into what God had to say to me.

The difference is amazing.

I am more at peace now with my situation than I have been since I got here. I renewed some vows, made some new ones, figured out priorities, and have a new heart for school. For once, I don't feel disgruntled. I don't feel like something is missing. I don't feel as though I have a need that must be filled. I'm just, content. I'm not yearning for the future, I'm happy to be right here, right now. I'm not yearning for a boy to sweep me off my feet, because Jesus is the only Man I need. I'm not yearning to be touched, because my Father holds me when I sleep, and takes my hand throughout the day. I'm not worried about any homework, any tests that are coming up, or anything else concerning school because I'm going to make it a priority (what else am I really spending money on) and do my best. I'm not concerned about which school I'm going to transfer to, or what career I'm going to have because God will reveal it to me in His good time. And I'm not concerned about any of my relationships with friends or family or even God anymore. I'm cutting myself some slack, God has already forgiven me for not putting Him first, and so now... bit by bit, I'm going to make Him my first priority and everyone else will be secondary.

As I was walking along the river observing the people around me, the scenery, breathtaking creation I came upon a father/daughter pair. The dad was maybe 25 or so and the young girl was probably about five. It was truly a precious sight. They each had a vanilla ice cream cone and the father was staring at his daughter with complete adoration, hanging onto every word she was saying. I smile now, even more than I did then, because I think of how my relationship can and is this way with God. He was with me in the park, walking by my side, hanging onto my every thought, staring at me with adoration.

Jesus LOVES me. The greatest love of all. The most amazing love. The truest love. The most perfect love. Everlasting, divine love. The only love I will always have for eternity. How great is that? Oh I feel like dancing, singing, shouting, running. That kind of love can move mountains. But before I get to the stage in my life where God can use me to move those mountains, I'm content where I am. He is changing my heart, cleaning out any unrighteous thing in me, and revealing the desires of my heart. I AM running after His heart, even when I think I'm completely dense and stunted. He never lets me stop.

running the good race toward His heart,
Samantha Marie

I Wanna Set the World on Fire.

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it`s burning bright for You
It`s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There`s nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father`s hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

I`m gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

-Britt Nicole

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASEY MAY (:

My dearest best friend Casey May,

Hello darling, today is your 20th birthday. How long it seems that it has been since we first met even though it's only been a couple of years. Ha, come to think of it, we met when you were 18 and guess how old I am?!? (For at least three more months.) So much has changed in two years. We are completely different people now. I have had the privilege of seeing you grow in your faith, in your relationships, and just overall as a young woman of God.
You have been the most wonderful influence on me. I can truly say you are my soul mate best friend. You push me, iron me ;) and challenge me in the best ways. So today, I want to thank you.
Truly you have grown into one of the most patient, loving, good, kind, joyful, peaceful, gentle, faithful, self-controlled people I know. (: I can't wait until I see how much you have changed in another two years. But for now, I'm excited to see where your 20th year takes you as you falling God's heart. You are standing on His promises, morphing into a most faithful servant. It's truly a blessing to experience this part of your life, even though it's not as much as I'd like.
I love you so very much my dearest best friend. Here's wishing you the HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY EVER <3

Love your sister in Christ,
Samantha Marie

Let me go there

Running after His heart.

I think at this moment, if I were to be honest, I'd be lucky to be able to say I was crawling painstakingly slow after His heart. I do a lot of talking in my walk with the Lord, and sometimes I do some walking, but not often enough.

Have you ever really compared your relationship with God to that of your relationship with your spouse, best friend, brother, sister, a parent? Who do you spend more time with? Who do you tell more to? Who do you go to for advice first? Who do you call with exciting news first?

If I were to be honest, God would not be my answer for any of those questions. Hopefully for most of you, you'd be able to answer our Lord and Saviour, but I can't. I disgust myself really.

I TRULY desire to do what God has planned for my life. I want to go to a Bible college or Christian University and get a degree that will best enable me to serve the Body of Christ. I want to marry the right guy. I want to have a good family. I want to have good, strong, Christ-centered relationships with my friends and family. But, how can I do that when I do not spend enough time with God? How can I know His will for my life if I don't talk about it with HIM?

-Sigh-

I made a poopy. And once again I need my Father to clean me up, lovingly discipline me, and set me back up on my feet.

I have an interesting, stupid need to be perfect. No wonder I don't go to Jesus as I should. I think I'm above His help. And that's the farthest thing from the truth. He is the only ONE that can be my Everything.

Father please forgive me...
Your messy, ashamed, daughter,
Samantha Marie

Take My Heart and Please Break it.

The sun was shining as I walked toward my dorm. The birds were chirping, the grass was green with moisture, the air was crisp yet warm, people were riding their bikes; the world was spinning around me.

The world seemed perfect and I was the awkward depressed girl. I hate how I can have everything going so well, I can be so happy, and then at the drop of a hat I'm beyond sad and in a giant gaping hole.

I feel like I'm missing something. I know that God is the only one who can fill any void that I have, so I went on a walk with Him... actually I call it more of a date. I get dinner, walk a ways, sit down in the park, eat with Him, continue walking, read His word, pray, be still, know He is God. I've done this twice, same day of the past two weeks. I think God really wants my attention. I just don't know, I just feel blah.

But there is Hope, there is Light, there is Truth. And I will run after His heart.

College is the life for me!

(:
College makes me happy. This has got to be the best invention next to electricity (or what-have-you.) I'm enjoying it avidly, meeting tons of people, taking challenging courses (even two Bible courses!!), and having great fellowship with the Christians on campus.

It's been such a whirlwind of activity. Days run into one another and it's hard to believe that tomorrow is only Wednesday.

I don't even know where to start or how to explain my experience so far. It's more than I ever imagined, definitely challenging, but perfect for that reason. I can already feel that I'm going to grow so much.

Word on the campus is that God is going to be doing some big things this year at BSU. I'm hearing it left and right from all sorts of people. This is an exciting thing to be apart of. This is an exciting place to be right now.

Found a Church I really liked and I signed up for children's ministry. Hopefully I will be able to get on there and help out, but if not God will lead me where He wants me to be (:

Other than that, I don't even know. There's just soooo much. I've definitely been reading your blogs, even if I don't get a chance to comment and I'm praying for you - my dear friends in Christ. I think about you often, and hope to get a chance tomorrow or so to catch up and comment.

Love you all!

running after HIS heart,
Samantha

A mix of emotions.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I said yet another good-bye to my mom on the phone. I stared around my tiny dorm room, my new home and almost lost it. Looking out the window I saw families walking around together. Students that still had their mommy and daddy with them. I thought about how I had to say goodbye days ago, and move myself in with only the help and support of Meghan, a very new friend. What an emotionally and physically taxing day.

"Is it all worth it?" I wondered to myself. Taking a deep breath I packed an overnight bag so I could return to my aunt's house to house-sit for one more night. Feeling guilty and anxious about what I would miss out on that night, it was with some trepidation I locked my room and began the 5 minute trek to my car. Relief began to flow from my body with each step closer to my car. Steps that would take me to a safe place, and a safe place that would take me to a house I can call home.

The drive was peaceful. The sun was setting over the Treasure Valley. As I looked up and in front of me I was reminded of how God is so completely in control. He has a plan for me to be here. He has hands that are guiding my every step. He has love that will fill up any hole that needs repair. My God, is a great, big, loving, perfect God. And as I observed the bustle of my new home, my beautiful city, I smiled, a truly joyful smile.

It is indeed all worth it.

So it turns out...

It turns out that I skipped that whole freakishly upset part (see post two below.) Right now, I'm perfectly happy and content. I have had a few moments where I get sad and I've cried twice, but really... I'm not overly emotional. I don't know if that's because I'm in denial, or if I'm really okay, but it sure is nice not to be a complete wreck.

I'm absolutely loving Boise. Been hanging out with my auntie and my older cousin Chris and his girlfriend Ash and their baby boy Braydon (he's soo cute!) Plus, the friend I made when I came down for orientation, we got together today and had fun (: So perhaps keeping busy helps.

Tomorrow I move into my dorm and Meghan (above friend) is going to help me. What an exciting time! But also nervewracking. With God, anything and everything is possible and okay lol.

I went to a Church all by myself on Sunday (yes I am a big kid now.) It was nice, but weird to be shopping for a church to call home. I won't be able to church hop down here, I'll need to find one really good one that feels right. What a daunting task. But the Lord will lead me to where He wants me to be. And it will be sooo nice to finally have a Church family. I've never known what that is like.

I pray you all have been well! I miss you guys but you are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

Running after His Heart,
Samantha Marie

Oregon Washington Future

I love the west coast of Oregon and Washington. It's so green. It's weird to be in a city and yet soo surrounded by forest.

Beautiful and perfect.


I never want to leave <3

And yet tomorrow begins the journey home... home is a loosely translated word. Home for a few more days, then onto a new home. A home of nothing solid, yet everything to come. My future, blank canvas, ready for that first splash of color.

Stuck in motion.

I've been thinking (not seriously) of running away for a year, to just be. Be somewhere. Be someone. Be nowhere. Be noone. The possibilities of this life, truly are limitless. Who says I have to go to college, who says I need to live a certain somewhere?

There is much to be discovered about this beautiful world. God created a breathtaking masterpiece, and I have seen only the most minute portion. I'm yearning for more.

Yearning for less.

Yearning.

Yearning to be content.

...

In this moment.

I'm freakishly content.

Seven days from now?

I'll be freakishly upset.

The difference....

...one week...

...makes.

Hehe.

Everyone going somewhere.
Nobody with nowhere to go.
I like airports (:

Purposeful, with a destination.

Something that totally makes sense.
Something tangible.
Something that isn't confusing.
Point A to Point B.

Airports are my kind of thing (:

No second guessing here, no wandering, no wondering. Love it.

Peaceful, me and my laptop, me and my music, me, alone and happy.

Alone.

"I was finally able to doze off because I knew you were coming over. I knew I wasn't alone."

These words were spoken to me by a good friend who is going through a really recent, really rough break-up. Obviously, she hasn't been able to sleep, because of all the pain. She was saying how weird it is to be alone.

Once you are part of a two-some for an extended period of time, it begins to define you. That alone, should not make you the person that you are, but it is a large part of you no matter how much you spin it. We can try to pretend a relationship is just a relationship, but I think most married couples, and most serious relationshippers would tell us that a large part of you is defined by your relationship. So when that ends, the whole definition of your life changes.

Why do we want to be held? Why do we yearn for a space (typically a body of the opposite sex) to fill a void? Why do we want someone to listen to us? Why do we want someone to tell us everything is going to be all right? Why do we have family? Why do we have friends? Why do we go through messy relationships?

Why? Because, we don't want to be alone. We all just want to know that if we were to die, someone would notice. We just want to know that if we were hurt, someone would be there. We just want to know that if we had exciting news, we would be able to share it with someone. Humans were designed for relationships. And in a world where it's a struggle each and every day, we need people on our side for encouragement, love, and laughter for when the going gets tough. God gave us the beautiful gift of love.
1 Cor 13:13 says " But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love" and John 13:34 says "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another."
I adore relationships, find them fascinating, enjoy my own, deeply believe they are vital to life. But I especially love John 13:34 because Jesus is calling us to love one another as He has loved us. The Son of the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE loves us, loves us deeply, knows us perfectly, knows what our hearts desire, and that truly is the only perfect relationship we can ever have.
I also like that Jesus calls us to love one another how He loves us. That's a tall order (one we cannot fulfill with our own strength and love) but it's a beautiful thing when we love one another like Jesus loves us.

So when people ask me how I can possibly spend so much time listening to people talk about their problems and be there to comfort them and be there at all odd hours of the day and night, well it's because I'm called to do it. And I can think of few better ways to serve the Son than to love His bride the best that I can.

Running after His Heart,
Samantha

Late at night.

I am enjoying my late nights.

Peaceful.

Serene.

Tranquil.

Perhaps, the only thing I don't like, are the early mornings that follow a late night :-D
But apparently since I'm young, I'm also crazy, and do not need much sleep.

As the world spins madly on, I sit perfectly calm in my room, pondering the inner-workings of myself, God, other people, the world. My thoughts are a beautiful blur. I often think in retrospect, it's a lovely state of mind.

I've had writer's block lately, and I think it's because I've been wanting to write as someone I'm not. I have been trying to come up with these witty posts, intriguing topics, relateable posts. But really, this blog is for me and I just need to write whatever flows from my fingers...

Even if it's just random nonsense such as this (:

It's 2 am, and I'm having coffee in the morning with a dear friend. I will not regret this late night nor the early morning. I can do both. And considering in ten years when I will (God willing) have a family and won't be able to do these late nights and early mornings, I'm going to savor this time as a teenager. Often, I think I'm trying so hard to "grow up" that I forget to live in the moment.

As my thoughts trail off, so does this blog...

Running after His heart,
SamanthaMarie

Talking is apparently a trend in my life.

In the course of two days I have had three... Three emotionally draining, completely uplifting, absolutely necessary, life changing talks. With three different people. Apparently, talking to me has become a trend in my life. So, if anyone feels the need to hash it out with me right now, go for it. Seriously, I'm all eyes :D

I haven't had such raw and real conversations with these three people in such a long time (ever for one of them.) It was so refreshing. Refreshing to know that people really do want you to be honest. Refreshing to hear the truth and be okay with whatever the truth is. Refreshing to be able to tell someone about your relationship with God even though that wasn't the initial point of your conversation. Refreshing to talk about anything and everything. Refreshing to be raw and real.

Relationships are so vital. I often think that if I didn't have friends or family I would be fine, because I truly value my alone time. But I'm learning, that when I talk to people and actually talk about my feelings my outlook on life, my relationship with God, my whole disposition is so much better. Apparently, our dear Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He gave us voice boxes (: (and ears! Ears are good tools to have for that whole conversation thing :-D)

The only thing missing is my best friend :( I've been thinking a lot this week that if it's so hard right now to be apart for a mere seven days, how hard is it going to be when we are hundreds of miles apart? I know our friendship is invaluable and that we will be best friends for life. But I'm truly going to miss being able to walk to her house in 7 minutes. I'm going to miss late night talks under our Creator's beautiful sky. I'm going to miss our monster hugs that make me feel better no matter what I'm going through. I'm going to miss being able to call her and tell her that I need her and her being able to drop everything and be there for me in person in no time flat.

Life is changing, and sometimes I wish I could push a giant pause button. But apparently, I can't.

And yet, I will be running after His heart,
Samantha

And there were lessons learned.

For it only being 9:30 in the morning, this sure has been one crazy day already. Remind me again why I woke up early when I could still be sleeping? :-P

Went running at the booty-crack-of-dawn today with Casey May (really, it wasn't that early, only 7:00, but when you are a teenager on summer vacation, it's EARLY ;)) I got a blister, she got a broken heart :( But I'll let her explain that if she wants to.

Came home, had some coffee and toast and started having my devotions. Which by the way, this would be my third day in a row, go me! I'm usually horrible at keeping a good, steady quiet time. But then I was trying to read in Psalms and the thing that has been bothering me lately (my financial crap that I have to deal with for college and changing around my classes) was distracting me, so I decided to take care of it so I could totally focus on God. I called my mom and asked for her help and we got into because (and here comes the lesson part!!!!)

She told me to call the financial office and figure it out on my own, because she wasn't going to be able to help me with this stuff all the time anymore. (Not quite so bluntly, and in a nicer tone, but I mean basically...)
Momma say what?

And that's when I realized, adulthood is really bearing down upon me. Ew. What happened to the carefree days of mud pies and slip-n-slides? What happened to money growing on trees? What in the world is that checkbook and credit card doing in my wallet? I don't wanna!!!

So in the course of about 5 minutes I went from young Sami to adult Sami. Sick. But alas, I put on my big kid pants and called the office and talked to a very nice lady that explained everything. And I also changed my class schedule around (I'm sooo excited for the classes I have and the schedule I have! :D)

But seriously, this whole on-my-own-thing. It sucks. I want my mommy and daddy to hold my hand forever!!

And then I remember...
God will always be holding my hand, every step of the way (:

Running After HIS Heart,
Samantha Marie

Thursday Thoughts

I don't know if I've ever had a song in my dream play so vividly. Colbie Caillat's (sp?!) song "Realize" was playing quite prominently in the background of my dream right before I woke up. It was by far, one of these strangest things to ever happen in one of my dreams. Especially since I only hear that song when I'm working. Has anyone else ever incorporated a song into your dream?

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Sometimes so much has been going on that it's hard to explain everything in a witty, flowing post, hence the random montage of what-have-yous this post will have.

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I think that it is impossible to be friends with a guy that likes you. Even more impossible when you have no choice but to see said guy because he works with you.

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Satan's attacks are coming full force. So many people I know are dealing with his attempts to get us off the path of righteousness, myself included. It's been a hard few weeks. And I'm finally overcoming these attacks, but I'm tired. And annoyed. And guilty. And disappointed. And sad. And angry.

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At least, I'm finally feeling.

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I'm beginning to hate food and the fact that nothing ever sounds good. It's a struggle to eat everyday. And I know this is my way of controlling something in my life, which is obviously no bueno. I need to give that up to God and learn how to turn to Him for everything instead of other worldly things.

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I hate the awkward looks he gives me, males are stooooopid.

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I love A Walk to Remember it's so beautiful :D

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It's heating up!! And I secretly LOVE it, while everyone around me constantly bemoans the 90 and 100 degree weather. I much prefer it to the cold any day!! Plus, summer nights are absolute LOVE!!

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Today, this morning, I sat out on my deck with a cup of coffee and then a smoothie spending time in the Word, and it was peaceful... comforting... a breath of air... just what I needed.

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I miss all of you very much!!

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Casey is going to Texas now, and I'm rather excited because Texas is warmer than Minnesota ;) And I'd love to visit :D Aaaand... God has a plan :D

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This Satuday Casey and I are going to spend the night out in my backyard underneath God's amazing sky, I'm so excited!!

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Next Saturday I have a wedding to go to for my cousin!! YAY!!! :D I dreamed about that last night as well.

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I'm far from spending my summer the way I wanted to :-P Far from spending it the way I should... Bleh.

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Now I'm off! To the great adventure of taking a shower and getting ready for the day, wee!!!

Update

I cleaned my room :D

Lazy Summer

I'm definitely having a lazy summer lately.

I work, I read, I hang out with people, I stare at my bedroom and think about how I should clean it. But really, I haven't been doing anything overly productive.


And thus, I haven't had anything really interesting to say.

(:

Miss you all!

Meh.

I don't think I care anymore.

Leaves fall down from the trees that never had a chance.
The weather was too weird this year, they are barely living.

I'm praying for a dreamless sleep that lasts longer than five hours.

Barely breathing, choked by everything and nothing.

Praying for His presence, yet nothing. I'm too dense and selfish.

I'm done with all of this nonsense. I'm done with these fake people. I'm tired of being fake myself.

I was so, completely, utterly sad the other night, but I couldn't even cry.
There's something wrong with my emotions.

I peek above the surface, barely treading water. The light shimmers around me. It's all a figment of my imagination.

The reason so many of my friendships are failures? Because I am a runner, and I would rather move on than try to fix something that's so obviously broken. There is always someone else, always someone new, so if I feel like you don't care anymore - or that I'm not good enough, I move on to someone else who will care if only for a moment.

I want to be noticed, I want to be left alone.

I want to feel needed, I don't want to feel pressured.

I'm the epitome of countless oxymorons, my whole life is an oxymoron.

I will wake up in 7 hours, and be just fine, ashamed of this post. If I didn't know any better, I would call myself a manic depressive. But I know it's just hormones and my inability to deal with emotions.

I feel crazy constantly. I'm too much for anyone to handle.

Dear God, it's me again down here... I'm lost, sometimes You're so unclear, what can I do? I'm feeling so far from you... frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all. I'm breaking, I'm aching, for something beautiful...

I surrender.

There isn't much that happens at 4 am. Driving around my town makes me think of a horror movie. It's deathly quiet. Yet peaceful and still. A good amount of thinking takes place.

I'm constantly tired. And getting sick. I've stopped eating very much. Maybe two meals a day. I would eat less, but apparently people around me think food is healthy.

I'm having stupid conversations.
Going around in circles
Entirely bored
yet addicted to the drama

I want to curse a lot lately.
I have the best conversations with imaginary real people in my head. The people I'm around are such good listeners in my reality.

I wonder if I talk to myself too much and have conversations with these imaginary fake people that I will eventually cause myself to become crazy.

I'm hungry.
I'm exhausted.
I am restless. Just ramblin'
What do you do where do you go when no where feels like home.
I'm restless.

I know there's more to this life. Sometimes I wonder why I do anything besides praise the Creator, spend time with Him. Everything else can seem so fruitless at times.

I'm feeling crazy.
I'm realizing feelings are no basis for facts these days.
Feelings are misleading.
Feelings make you think you like someone when they are so obviously the wrong person for you.
Feelings make you jealous when you have no right to be jealous.

He's an idiot. He think he likes me. He likes the idea of me. He likes what I could be for him. He doesn't even know me. Why are guys so dumb? Why am I so dumb? Why do I even care? Why do I try to fight with him? Why do I try to get him to see my point of view? Haven't I gotten to the point in my Christian walk that I understand non-Christians don't see life the way I do?

The words are spewing out, an unstoppable force. I'm egging him on. Trying to end his infatuation with me, while remaining on good terms. Sometimes, most times, all the time... things are easier said than done.

I miss.
Him.
You.
Them.
It.
Her.
Life.
Tears.
Breathing.
Sleeping.
Eating.
Energy.
Music.
Laughing.
Feeling peace.
Being peaceful.
Being a sense of peace for others around me.
Hearing.
Caring.
Who I was.
Who I want to be.
Who I am.

The floodgates are open on my heart. And I just want to cry it all away.

I'm leaving, but I don't know how I honestly feel about it. I know I'm supposed to be sad. But so far, I'm far from it. I know I'm supposed to miss people. But so far, I'm far from it. I hate that about me. I hate not caring.

I hate feeling like no one is listening.
I hate feeling like No One is listening.
I hate needing someone to listen.
I hate not knowing what to say.

Recap of Orientation

Hello fellow bloggers!

Sooooo. How did orientation go? Overall, it was pretty good (: Learned a lot about the campus, clubs, how to get football tickets (lol), classes, etc. Got to see what my dorm room will be like (tiny, utterly, hopelessly, TINY.) Met a few cool people and have plans to hang out with one of the girls before school even starts. (: There was a guy from Holland and a guy from Florida in my group, pretty cool that BSU is WAY more diverse than my tiny town ;)

But then there was that whole staying up until 4:00 am because about three or four little girls (okay, young women my age :P) and three guys decided to run around the halls screaming and flirting with one another. How thoughtful (: We sure did learn a lot about respect, but apparently not how to utilize it. What a shame...

College will definitely be interesting!!

Thank you for all of your prayers. The drive was good and I had a blast with my mommy (: It was a great four days!!

Adios, Au Revior, Aloha :D

I'm leaving for a few days. Will be back Sunday. Taking the laptop, but I'm not so sure if I'll be able to hack into someone's wireless or not. I'll sure try :D

Will be in Boise for orientation (woo.) ;) Nah, it should be all right.

If you could pray for safe travel I would really appreciate. Love and prayers to you all!!

-Samantha

I have this problem...

So my problem is the following...

I read a LOT. And by the end of a good book, my lower back and bum are completely SORE from laying down in one position for too long.

Am I the only one that suffers in this way? It's killing me, and all I want to do is go running or walking or swimming or something. But apparently it's late at night and normal people don't do that. Pfft. Normalcy :-P

Speaking of books (as if I wasn't the one that brought up the subject) I've been reading memoirs lately. I've fallen IN LOVE with memoirs. If it were possible for me to marry a genre of writing, I would do it. I think I just finished my seventh one in the course of two months. And when you consider all else that I've been reading, that's a lot of memoirs to have on one's plate. Anyway.

I may have mentioned this before, but I'm a listener and I LOVE to hear about people's lives. So when you throw my love of reading in with learning about somebody's crazy upbringing, current thoughts, or current adventures, I scream with joy :D (which is also probably why blogging is so appealing.) Tonight I finished up The Glass Castle. Jeannette Walls had one of the craziest upbringings I've ever heard of. I was captured by all of her adventures, drawn into all of her indignities, and cheered for her triumphs. I wish all authors that chose to write memoirs could do it with her flair, but alas, not all are so talented. Anyway, it was a delicious read and if you can handle offensive language that is scattered here and there and a few uncomfortable scenes then I would recommend it.

That's pretty much all from me today. I went on a walk with Casey, tanned, had three meals today (never happens because of work,) vacuumed the inside of my car (that's a horrid chore,) ran errands, paid bills, and read :-D It was a good day, but definitely uneventful.

Love and prayers to you all!!
-Samantha Marie

A taste of Heaven

I'm sure I'm not the only one who ever day dreams about Heaven and what it will be like when we are all together, am I right? That being said, I think I caught a glimpse the other night.

This past weekend I went out and spent the night at my cousin, Grace's, house. I typically have a blast whenever I go out there. She was the sister I never had when I was younger. We grew up together as much as we could and when we weren't together we were on the phone creating the best memories. Her parents, my aunt and uncle, were the ones that got me my first Bible and took me to Church for my first time (and my second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. ;)) Their oldest boy, Erik, was the one who baptized me last summer, anytime I see Daniel walk into Staples my day at work is tremendously better, and Kevin (paralyzed from the neck down but way better off than most paralysis patients), he teaches all of us what true faith in God is like. Then there is their oldest, beautiful child Jen, married and living happily in Minnesota. She never fails to send me cards on important occasions filled with encouragement. So, to say this family is special to me, would be an understatement.

There was a moment, when we were all gathered in the family room, watching an old western movie and making fun of it (come on, they're funnnny!) when I understood what true contentment and fellowship is like. To be sitting and doing really nothing special, but to be so happy... that's beautiful. The only thing missing from the picture was our Lord and Saviour, but really, He was there in spirit.

I yearn for Heaven with my dear family. I yearn for Heaven with all of you. And I deeply yearn, with all of my heart and soul and body, for Heaven with my King.

And yet, as always, I know there is work yet to be done on this earth. Therefore, I shall continue being content with my tastes of Heaven, God will give me enough to sustain me =)

My pride and all that jazz.

When people are asked to describe me I don't think that I have ever been called prideful. It is not an adjective very many people think of when they first think of me. (At least, not that I'm aware of.) But, I'm here today, to admit how very prideful I am. And how very sinful that fact is.

I just devoured Blue Like Jazz, if you've never read this book, you may want to look into it. It's one man's non-religious thoughts on Christian spirituality (his tag-line, not mine.) It convicted me in many ways, and pretty much throughout the whole book I felt my thoughts resonating with his. My head would shake in agreement, my heart would race at the injustice of something he had faced, and I would laugh along with him at some of the obvious hypocritical things we as Christians do.

This post could potentially be very long if I were to explain every part of the book that I loved and if I used all the quotes I wrote down in my journal. But, this post must specifically be about my pride, as much as I would like to never think about it.

"I love to give to charity, but I don't want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace." -Don Miller excerpt from his book, Blue Like Jazz.

I LOVE that Jesus died for all of the world's sins. It amazes me, it leaves me aghast, it challenges my tiny little brain and my brain is never able to wrap itself around that fact. It's such a beautiful event. No other true story is as beautiful as that. I love reminding people that He died for all of our sins, no matter how big they are. But I constantly fail to remind myself. I have begun to realize that I think I am above this gift of life. Obviously, I repent. I have also obviously, given my life over to Jesus and I know that only through Him I am saved from an eternity spent in hell. But do I appreciate this gift as much as I should? No.

As I was journaling about this part of the book last night I realized something about myself. Because before I was saved I never murdered anyone, or robbed a bank, or anything like that, I think my sins are not as big, do not need as much grace. How naive is that?

Matthew 5:22 says "But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, 'You good for nothing,' shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, 'You fool.' shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell." (NASB)

And before this Jesus talks about how murder is quite the sin. You can not compare two sins. A sin is a sin no matter how you try to dress it up. And any sin of mine is enough to send me into the fiery pit of hell for ETERNITY no matter how "small" I may think it is.

God has shown me how very prideful I am and I am praying that He will humble me before men and make me the meekest of all creatures. I am no greater than an ex-murderer. I would do well to remember that.

Mark 7:21-23 "For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, PRIDE, and foolishness. All these things proceed from within and defile the man." (NASB)

No longer do I want pride to come from my heart. I want a humble heart. I desire it with all of me.

Running after His (non-prideful) heart,
Samantha Marie

TAG!

I've always loved the game of tag :D Blogging tag is even better. Miss Mackenzie tagged me to answer a few questions, so here's the rules and here are my answers...

Here is what I (and whoever else I tag) have to do:

1. Answer some questions from whoever tagged me
   
2. Link her to my blog (she's already there!! :D)
   
3. Tag six more other people and comment on their blog to let them know!

Ok, the first question.

Who is your favorite author and why?

This is hard one for me. I absolutely adore reading. If I have to choose one I would go with Melody Carlson, because her books were instrumental to me choosing to follow Jesus. Also, I really love how all of her diary series are so relevant to many young women my age. I can relate with them and Ms. Carlson isn't afraid to put the girls in tough, real, situations.

Who was your first favorite author and why?

My first favorite author was definitely Ann M. Martin. She wrote the Baby-sitters Club books and I absolutely loved and adored them. I still have a few of them on my bookshelf. Very cute books :D

Who is the most recent addition to your favorite authors and why?

Recent additions? Totally Brett and Alex Harris :D because they challenge our generation to Do Hard Things and I love that! Oh! And my aunt Pam. She just came out with her book, Song in the Night. I love it.

If someone asked you who your favorite authors were right now, which authors would pop out of your mouth?

Melody Carlson, Alex and Brett, Jenkins and LaHaye, Pamela Thorson (:

So... I tag..
-Dragonfly Soul
-Steph
-Tracy
-Sydney

Yay, how fun! :D

Surrender.

Often in my life, okay constantly... I struggle with what God has in store for me. I have a feeling it's something big, and boy do I ever talk myself up.
"Yeah, I'm going to follow God's will for my life. I'm going to let go and let God. I will do whatever it takes to pick up my cross and follow Jesus." And of course my list of big talk goes on.

This past weekend, while out in the beauty of God's creation I finally GOT IT. What exactly it will take and what it will mean to give my LIFE over to God so that He can work through me for the furthering of His kingdom.

Being out in the beauty of God's creation makes you realize many things. One such thing is that we are so small. Compared to the mountains of His earth, compared to the billions of people, compared even to some of our dearest friends and family we can feel small. But another thing that you realize is that as small as you are, the Father created you to be just as beautiful as the mountains, just as precious as the other billions of people, and just as special to your friends and family as they are to you.

And then I realized that if God can use other people, if He can create and move mountains (figurative and literal), and if He can do good works through and in the lives of family and friends, then why not me? I can not be afraid anymore to step out in my fear. I have to realize that if I wait for the day that God magically removes any of my fear or anxious feelings I will be waiting until I die. I'm just going to have to do it. And the everlasting, most-loving Father, will be there to guide me. I just have to be running after His heart.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Not yet, but I'm working on it with the extreme help of God. I let go of a lot of things while camping, a LOT. And I opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul to what could be - what I could be, where I could be, who I could be. And THAT girl. That girl is the Samantha I've been searching for. God is going to get me there. And no longer will I let the fear of what other's will think restrain me. No longer will I let the worries of financial burdens hold me back from attending a university or a program that will best set me up for the life God has for me. He calls me by name, He knows me every thought, my every desire, and my heart. My God is a big God. He can take care of the small things. (He can take care of everything.)

So as I step out into the world, it's with the expectation that I am going to push myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to be the young woman of God I am supposed to be. I'm going to walk the crap out of my talk. I will give back to the world, starting now.

I would ask that you all could be praying with me and that you would (if you feel led, otherwise do not worry!) keep me accountable to this. Ask me the hard questions. What am I doing lately to further His kingdom? Have I given all control to the Father, or am I trying to hold onto something? How is my Bible reading going. Time with God in general? How goes doing "hard things?" I'm honestly doing it. I'm far from ready... but God's grace will cover me.

I will run, I will fly, and by my faith I'll live and die.

Running after His heart,
Samantha Marie