Monday, December 8, 2008

Breaking Dawn.

The dawn of day begins to break. She looks out the window and sighs. A bright blue is barely peaking through pink and orange hues. The beauty of a Master Creator is shining for all the world to see.

Her heart is still beating. Her lungs are still breathing. Her mouth can still smile. She made it through another night. There is much to be thankful for in a broken world.

The sigh is a mixture of contentment and also of anxiety. Her anxious thoughts are numerous, yet she tries to appreciate the beauty of the moment. Living in the moment is a strange concept these days. Her future and past dominate her thoughts. Regrets regarding the past haunt her soul. Hopes for the future dominate her dreams. And her present? She just can't deal with it.

Slipping off the bed she pads down the hall toward the kitchen. She pours a cup of coffee and adds some hazelnut creamer. Sniffing in the aroma she closes her eyes and lays her head against the frosty window. So much has changed, so much is still the same. Taking a sip of her coffee she decides to open up the journal that has been gathering a layer of dust for the past couple of weeks.

Reading over the past entry she laughs almost mockingly. It was filled with such joy and hope. And what happened the next day? She crashed of course. Spiraling downward she fell into her depression. Depression was a pool of black, murky water she was all too familiar with. These days instead of trying to fight it, she usually just sat in it, soaking it up. At least she felt something during these times.

After popping her knuckles she began writing furiously. Pain, pain of the present moment, flowed from her fingers. Sentences that she hadn't allowed to escape from deep down in her soul poured forth onto the pages. Words that asked the questions deep in her mind. Words that voiced her doubts, anger, frustration, and sadness. Words that exposed the helplessness she felt for people nearest her, let alone the billions of hurting souls in the world. So much had been weighing her down. She felt anchored to the very depths of hell. Chains were choking her so much that scars were embedded deep into her skin.

Journaling wasn't enough. She fell to her knees and screamed. Tears fell from her eyes unceasingly. She was SO tired. So tired of trying, so tired of caring, so tired of fixing things. She couldn't do it anymore. The weight of the world was not hers to carry. Falling further she sobbed upon her face until there was nothing left. Laying on the ground she could utter no other words except for "I surrender." With these two words repeated over and over the weight began to lift.

Piece by piece, chains began to break, scars began to heal. The anchor that had been weighing her down was broken and her body began to float. The burning embers of hell no longer controlled her body. Her heart was being set free.

Jesus.

The one who had been willing to save her soul, was still willing to save her in this moment. The realization that He never leaves and was there during the darkest times, including the past two weeks was almost more than she could handle. New tears began to flow freely. These tears were not those anger, deep sadness, or frustration. They were tears of hope. Not hope for the future, but hope for the present moment. Because in the present moment, Jesus was there.

After what seemed like hours of lying on the floor she picked herself back up and began to walk back toward her bedroom. The scars, more faint, were still present. They would serve as reminders. Her throat burned from the pain that had been released and she knew this feeling would return again one day. Her eyes were heavy, but it was worth it because her heart was lighter.

Life would never be perfect, at least not during her time on earth. But perhaps, just maybe, there is in fact more than trudging through the muck and mire alone. She smiled faintly as she thought about her Jesus. It would be a long journey of healing. A long journey of going Home. But the path she could handle, the obstacles she could jump, the twists she could turn, because He had already done the hard part.

As she reached her windown she tore open the blinds further. She was not surprised to see the sky fully blue and the sun high up. A new day had dawned, a new page had turned, and knowing that the pen was no longer in her hand was the thing she was most thankful for today.

3 comments:

Stepheny Weaver said...

I likedthis post!

BTW, I got your letter and should be sending out mine very soon!

Love,

Steph

graffitigirl said...

Hmm, this was interesting to read through. It seems like you given us a quick glance into one of someone's lowest/highest moments. I think you should add to this and give it more context, it could be a really great story. I like your writing style. What happened during the past two weeks that led to her depression? Who were the people she struggled to find hope for? Yeah, it's good.

Jessica said...

You are such an amazing writer. Tears came to my eyes as I read this post. It is so real... and hit me so close to home. Thank you so much!