Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Plans, Life, Sunflower Seeds, Emotions

Don't make plans...
I did not get caught up on anyone's blogs, I have not finished your letter yet Steph, homework has fallen to the way side.
Life is hurting.
Sunflower seeds are yummy, but they hurt my tongue.
Emotions... I'm too emotional about 1/2 of my life and too emotionless about the other half. Something must be wrong.
God is challenging me. I'm challenging God. Questions with no answers spin around in my soul. Painful.
Barely breathing.

My campus pastor, Bill, says it's a good thing I've been having hard times lately. It shows God is growing me.
Do you know how hard it is to choose joy when all you feel is anger, frustration, sadness?
Of course you do, we all go through these times.
Today the pressure is not so painful, breathing is somewhat easier.

I'm still running away from anyone that is having problems. I feel like a horrible person. But I just can't counsel people right now. I'm being emotionally drained by myself, let alone other people. It DOES cause more pain when I, the mother hen to all her friends and anyone else that needs help, just can't do it.
Broken. I feel broken.
I haven't given up talking to God, at least not journaling to Him. Prayer is a bit harder for me, but writing is my outlet. Pain flows from my fingers, and yet I know He still loves me and I still love Him. I know He died for me and I would die for Him. The basics are still there, and that's the hope that keeps me going. As for all these strange, challenging, frustrating details? We're apparently working through it. It's a slow, grueling process.

Depression sucks.
I don't even have the energy to battle it. I don't have the energy to deal with the mundane details of life like homework and job stuff and whatever else.
I NEED time with God.
Time that isn't going to be interrupted. Time that doesn't end up with me thinking about the 85 million things that I have to do. I need time with my Jesus focused entirely upon me and Him. And more than just hour increments here and there. My soul needs it.

Breathe You In - Thousand Foot Krutch
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me


Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Wanna breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I wanna breathe


Dragonflysoul said...


i wish more people would pour out their not-so-rainbowy feelings/thoughts/days like this. this is a wonderful expression of the very beautifully human you, Sami. I appreciate you.

i feel like you sliced my heart right open and yanked out every feeling in there. i'm so sorry that you're feeling frustrated and emotional and emotionless and depressed and all over the place. believe me when i say that i understand, because i'm there right now. and prayer is indeed difficult at times like these. i'm glad to know you're still journaling - God reads your journals :-) and your heart.

i will pray for you my dear - i don't know all that i should pray for you, but i will lift up your name to our Daddy, that He will lift YOU up. please find some comfort in knowing that, although i could never make your feelings go away, i do empathize and understand. and i mean that :-)

i'm here anytime! love you.

åslaug said...

Dear Samantha Marie,
Thanks so much for your comment. But it's not why I'm here. I'm here for you, because God led me here. To you.

I know you're hurting and I do recognize so very much what you write. I also appreciate it very much.

I'm sitting right beside my hostmother now, she's feeding her ten-month-old with a bottle. He's very tired and she just had to shift him over on the other arm. He's whimpering cause he doesn't like to be shifted over in the middle of his meal. I think you're the same. You don't like to be shifted over on the other arm. But I can tell you this because you're not a baby; You're wrapped up in His arms, a safe and warm place, and He's feeding you, giving you everything you need, even if you're tired and feel it's hard. He's there all around you. He didn't let go of you, He's just shifting you around.

I want to advice you something I learned the hard (but also the sweetest, most beautiful, by His grace)way. I have tried to keep away from worldly intoxication, among it, watching telly, knowing it probably harms me far more than it helps me. Well, today I made an exception, I wanted to listen to Christmas songs, so the telly was on all day. Of course I saw much else than just snowy, cozy, Christmas videos. I saw and heard absolutely non-Christ-glorifying videos and lyrics, I unconciously absorbed all the ungodly messages of the ad's. It was like meditating all day on the ways of this world's prince; Satan.
Well, what it thaught me was this. By the end of the day, I felt an enourmous longing to go back to all the way's I used to live. And later I even caved in to addictional sin I've been free from for six months already. So to say, just one day and I was trapped like in a cage. It was beautiful to again receive Jesus cleansing blood for my sin and His precious forgiveness and delete my sin. Still, I wish I wouldn't have learned it like this.

I want to advice you, knowing that you're going through a spiritually hard time to shy away from all ways of the ungodly. Even if you can't pray, write this question in your journal:

Lord, where are the holes in the wall around me that gives the enemy access to my life? Show me.

You can never manipulate God, but He Himself have said that He gives wisdom freely to those who ask. Stand on His promise and receive it.

Take care,
You are in my prayers and prayer is our strongest weapon. Even if the enemy have knocked your sword out of your hand, I will fight for you and defend you, till your sword is back in your grip.

Your sister in Christ,

åslaug said...

I don't appreciate that you're hurting. I appreciate that you're honest.

graffitigirl said...

My life is definitely not put together right now and the truest statement in that whole post, for me at least, is simply this "I NEED time with God." Ahhh, that one statement could sum up my whle life lately. Or just life in general.

Stepheny Weaver said...

Dearest Sam...

I am right here praying for you! :) Yes, the campus Pastor was right... God puts these challenges in our lives to mold, shape and make us.

I appreciate your honesty! I am so glad that you write down what you feel. That way I can always leave a comment and encourage you... I can't wait to meet you some day!

For now, Love you and praying for you!


Paige said...

So there, Samantha! When I started this new job everything seemed to drastically clear up. Then, when I became full time instead of part time, I felt nothing could stop me. I found myself finishing projects and beginning others, only to be finished soon afterwards. Chores and relaxation came much easier. Now, I don't know what has happened. Oh! Yes, I do- life. Work went from training to on my own, plus I have been given more responsibilities than before. Everything is great, but definately trying. I want to be so happy this season, but I feel myself becoming stressed. I use to think that I was the friend that everyone confided in and at times could willingly give advice, never expecting it to be followed. Now- I just don't know. I don't feel like I am the one to come to for even the smallest advice. I know that this is just a sag. It will go away as it always does. Besides, I am already working on finishing up those projects. See- I am catching up on blogs right now! You are not alone, Samantha. It'll get better. It always does.
P.S. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Abigail @ Pearls and Diamonds said...

I can often relate to what you're sharing...that business and emptiness. In fact, once I was so busy and empty that I begged the Lord to slow me down...and wound up in bed half dead with pneumonia for the next couple of months. :) A sweet time with Him, non-the-less. You can feed your soul even on the fly! Sing praises (even when you don't want to), give thanks (even when you're exhausted) and REHEARSE THE GOSPEL. Remind yourself Who is in control, where you were without Him and what He has done for your soul! It's immeasurably uplifting! And sometimes I hear the best, most appropriate sermons when I'm counseling someone else. You know? Samantha, you're caught in that painful place where you know you want to be back at the feet of the Master, but you don't have time or energy to get there. You don't have to! Plead for Him to come to you and He will! I've been there so many times, too!


Abigail @ Pearls and Diamonds