Monday, December 29, 2008

Post Script

I've been meaning to do this FOREVER. My amazing blogging buddy Jessica (: gave me this wonderful award...

So thank you Jess :D You are totally amazing and sweet! I want to nominate aslaug. She has an amazing and inspiring blog (: plus she lives in another country, how fun is that?? I also want to nominate Steph because she's my girl and always gives me wonderful encouragement. She's wise at her 13 years :) And basically I would nominate every single blogger to the right, but that would take awhile ;) so there we go for now.

Much love to all!!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Confessions of a Teenage Christian

I have been living the boring Christian life. I'm not being blasphemous, I'm being honest. There is a very wide, giant, apparent line between living a vibrant, sold-out Christian life, and living the safe, boring Christian life that I've been living. That so many of us live.

I've decided to tap-dance, bunny hop, spin, walk, crawl, roll, run across the line that separates me from living a safe life. There will be tears and blood. This year, my "New Year's Resolution"... I'm praying to be pushed, shoved, pulled, yanked, dragged to my limit. I want to be beyond exhaustion, sobbing, barely breathing. And then? I want to go beyond my limit. I want God to shatter any limitations. All things are possible with God right? Why don't I start living that verse in an extreme way?

I have no idea what this is going to look like. I'm not sure what limits I think I have. I'm not sure what is going to break me. And I'm not sure what form God's help will come in. But battles will come and with it comes help. The help of a MIGHTY Savior.

Complacent is the big yellow, green, pink neon sign flashing above my head. And I'm ashamed, tired, sick of that sign and the obvious truth it holds.

My heart is not dead.

So why do I live like it is? I'm still breathing. The heart is still beating. My soul still yearns. My mind still dreams. My body still moves.
I still believe in passionate romance, and I'm not afraid of it.
I still believe in deep relationships with God, friends, family, and strangers. Connections that make no sense.
I still believe in pain that needs to be met, and I have hands and feet to meet those needs.
I still believe in God. A God that moves mountains people! A God that death itself cannot beat. A God who beats down the devil. My God reigns on high. My God takes care of His people. My God is passionate. The God we serve does not fit into the confines of a box, so stop trying to place Him in one.

I want conviction. I want passion. I want chains to be broken. I want the true freedom of the Cross, not the pretend freedom so many of us live. There is more. A sacred romance meant to be lived between God and His people. A grand adventure that He wants to share with you, with me, with everyone. Death has been conquered, so we need to stop being zombies. To die is gain, and you know what that gain is? CHRIST. Have you met Him? I'm hoping to encounter Him in amazing ways, starting this moment.

Bring it on.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas my blogging buddies.

I pray you and your loved ones have a very happy one. Fill it with tons of laughter, love, and good fellowship!

May Jesus be at the forefront of your minds.

God be with you,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


This week is finals week. I have taken my three finals and all I have left to do is write an essay. Then? I'm finished with my first semester of college.

It's shocking to me how quickly the semester went by. It's shocking how well, overall, that I adjusted. There were obviously hard times, but there was never a moment in my mind when I seriously considered moving back to Lewiston.

I did it. I survived. I learned I can do something new and exciting (and wholly terrifying) with the help of my Lord and those He places around me. I'm quite ecstatic about where I am in life (:

I'm making deep connections with people, people I never would have imagined being friends with. I'm touching lives and being touched. Stepping out and helping in a church. Learning the meaning of actual forgiveness. I'm crying and laughing... crying. Thank You Jesus for these tears.

I think what I did last night is a true example of what I've learned this semester. I baby-sat instead of studying for finals. I took care of a little girl that was sick while distracting her brother and sister with some fun. I put them to bed, snug safe and warm after prayers. I was rewarded with hugs and cookies (: Instead of studying for my finals I spent the night playing hide and seek with my friends. And it was one of the best times, filled with laughter that kills your stomach. Instead of studying for finals I spent time with God, the One who matters, the One who held me throughout these past few months. The realization I had years ago is continually being affirmed in my life, the thing that matters most is your relationships. So, while I am here to go to college, I'm also here to cultivate my life with true and deep relationships.

I'm dancing to my own tune. And it's a painful process. Sometimes my guitar string breaks, my voice cracks, my drum explodes, and sometimes the show gets canceled. But you know what? It's worth it, because when you're a musician you love what you do, and when you are living your life, you ultimately love it. Because in those sweet moments when the crowd is applauding your performance as a musician it's all worth it. Equally so, those moments when your heart is almost exploding out of your chest with happiness, your life is worth it.

Right now, I don't have the clearest direction for my life. Every time that I think I have a vision for my future, it changes. And I really am okay with that for the moment. I've met so many people that know exactly what God has for them and that's wonderful. But He doesn't have me in that spot yet. He leads, I follow. And sometimes? It's more fun to just enjoy the ride, the purpose will be fulfilled.

Breathe my dear friends. Touch hearts. Live with a passion for the Lord and all things fall into place. LAUGH. Smile. CrY. Jump. Dance. Sing. Fall. Get back up. Breathe.

Even in the hard places there is hope at the end of the tunnel. But you know what's great about that tunnel? There's Jesus right beside you, holding Your hand and guiding you through the tunnel. Even though it's too dark for you to see Him, He's still there. So hold on to that hand and trust. It's worth it.

One more essay, I think I'm ready. :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I'm beginning to think that I'm crazy. Nobody thinks the fact that I'm upset about not being with my parents and friends I'm used to celebrating my birthday with is really a big deal. I should just get over it and enjoy my birthday as best I can.
So then, if all these people think I should get over it... perhaps I should?


I have a huge speech to prepare (from scratch) before tomorrow morning at 7:30. And I can NOT focus. So often I'm finding that it really has to be crunch time before I'm motivated to do anything.

Not to mention the fact that depression makes it hard to focus on much of anything. All that I want to do these days is write and sleep. Haha. Ha.

Okay, so not very funny.

Well we started talking again. Rather I began communicating with Him again, He never stops talking to us. It's amazing to think that we can be in constant communication with our Lord and Savior. What an open path of communication. I don't think I could constantly talk to ANYONE. Let alone what an honor it is to constantly talk to the KING OF THE UNIVERSE.

Praying has always been really difficult for me, so usually when things start going down the drain that's the thing that stops first. And apparently not praying is not the best thing. As I have been going down this path I've started to realize that my prayer time does not have to be this time where I ask great blessings upon the people around me. It's normal conversation. Conversations I would have with good friends and family. It helps me to better understand what a picture of prayer really looks like.

It's been nice to speak with Him again. It's like getting over a fight with a good friend and catching up over the past few weeks you haven't been talking.

It hasn't yet changed the fact that life is just hard right now. But I have given up trying to make everything better and trying to solve everything in one go. It simply isn't realistic. And it's not how we are made. Life is a process and it typically doesn't get fixed in one day. So no more trying to be superwoman and save myself. I'm leaving it up to Jesus.

My birthday is Friday. And I'm sad. I won't be with people that have always been there to celebrate it with me. But I suppose it's time to forge new memories with new friends. And that part is exciting. But it will still be the hardest birthday I've yet experienced.

My heart is heavy, but at least I know Jesus is holding it in His strong and careful hands.

Hope you all are well.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Breaking Dawn.

The dawn of day begins to break. She looks out the window and sighs. A bright blue is barely peaking through pink and orange hues. The beauty of a Master Creator is shining for all the world to see.

Her heart is still beating. Her lungs are still breathing. Her mouth can still smile. She made it through another night. There is much to be thankful for in a broken world.

The sigh is a mixture of contentment and also of anxiety. Her anxious thoughts are numerous, yet she tries to appreciate the beauty of the moment. Living in the moment is a strange concept these days. Her future and past dominate her thoughts. Regrets regarding the past haunt her soul. Hopes for the future dominate her dreams. And her present? She just can't deal with it.

Slipping off the bed she pads down the hall toward the kitchen. She pours a cup of coffee and adds some hazelnut creamer. Sniffing in the aroma she closes her eyes and lays her head against the frosty window. So much has changed, so much is still the same. Taking a sip of her coffee she decides to open up the journal that has been gathering a layer of dust for the past couple of weeks.

Reading over the past entry she laughs almost mockingly. It was filled with such joy and hope. And what happened the next day? She crashed of course. Spiraling downward she fell into her depression. Depression was a pool of black, murky water she was all too familiar with. These days instead of trying to fight it, she usually just sat in it, soaking it up. At least she felt something during these times.

After popping her knuckles she began writing furiously. Pain, pain of the present moment, flowed from her fingers. Sentences that she hadn't allowed to escape from deep down in her soul poured forth onto the pages. Words that asked the questions deep in her mind. Words that voiced her doubts, anger, frustration, and sadness. Words that exposed the helplessness she felt for people nearest her, let alone the billions of hurting souls in the world. So much had been weighing her down. She felt anchored to the very depths of hell. Chains were choking her so much that scars were embedded deep into her skin.

Journaling wasn't enough. She fell to her knees and screamed. Tears fell from her eyes unceasingly. She was SO tired. So tired of trying, so tired of caring, so tired of fixing things. She couldn't do it anymore. The weight of the world was not hers to carry. Falling further she sobbed upon her face until there was nothing left. Laying on the ground she could utter no other words except for "I surrender." With these two words repeated over and over the weight began to lift.

Piece by piece, chains began to break, scars began to heal. The anchor that had been weighing her down was broken and her body began to float. The burning embers of hell no longer controlled her body. Her heart was being set free.


The one who had been willing to save her soul, was still willing to save her in this moment. The realization that He never leaves and was there during the darkest times, including the past two weeks was almost more than she could handle. New tears began to flow freely. These tears were not those anger, deep sadness, or frustration. They were tears of hope. Not hope for the future, but hope for the present moment. Because in the present moment, Jesus was there.

After what seemed like hours of lying on the floor she picked herself back up and began to walk back toward her bedroom. The scars, more faint, were still present. They would serve as reminders. Her throat burned from the pain that had been released and she knew this feeling would return again one day. Her eyes were heavy, but it was worth it because her heart was lighter.

Life would never be perfect, at least not during her time on earth. But perhaps, just maybe, there is in fact more than trudging through the muck and mire alone. She smiled faintly as she thought about her Jesus. It would be a long journey of healing. A long journey of going Home. But the path she could handle, the obstacles she could jump, the twists she could turn, because He had already done the hard part.

As she reached her windown she tore open the blinds further. She was not surprised to see the sky fully blue and the sun high up. A new day had dawned, a new page had turned, and knowing that the pen was no longer in her hand was the thing she was most thankful for today.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Plans, Life, Sunflower Seeds, Emotions

Don't make plans...
I did not get caught up on anyone's blogs, I have not finished your letter yet Steph, homework has fallen to the way side.
Life is hurting.
Sunflower seeds are yummy, but they hurt my tongue.
Emotions... I'm too emotional about 1/2 of my life and too emotionless about the other half. Something must be wrong.
God is challenging me. I'm challenging God. Questions with no answers spin around in my soul. Painful.
Barely breathing.

My campus pastor, Bill, says it's a good thing I've been having hard times lately. It shows God is growing me.
Do you know how hard it is to choose joy when all you feel is anger, frustration, sadness?
Of course you do, we all go through these times.
Today the pressure is not so painful, breathing is somewhat easier.

I'm still running away from anyone that is having problems. I feel like a horrible person. But I just can't counsel people right now. I'm being emotionally drained by myself, let alone other people. It DOES cause more pain when I, the mother hen to all her friends and anyone else that needs help, just can't do it.
Broken. I feel broken.
I haven't given up talking to God, at least not journaling to Him. Prayer is a bit harder for me, but writing is my outlet. Pain flows from my fingers, and yet I know He still loves me and I still love Him. I know He died for me and I would die for Him. The basics are still there, and that's the hope that keeps me going. As for all these strange, challenging, frustrating details? We're apparently working through it. It's a slow, grueling process.

Depression sucks.
I don't even have the energy to battle it. I don't have the energy to deal with the mundane details of life like homework and job stuff and whatever else.
I NEED time with God.
Time that isn't going to be interrupted. Time that doesn't end up with me thinking about the 85 million things that I have to do. I need time with my Jesus focused entirely upon me and Him. And more than just hour increments here and there. My soul needs it.

Breathe You In - Thousand Foot Krutch
Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures all need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me


Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
‘Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe; I want to, I want to
Wanna breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I wanna breathe