Saturday, November 1, 2008

This Life

This life is crazy my dear friends.

I'm finding more and more that it is quite possible for me to experience absolutely every single emotion in the course of 12 hours. From absolute bliss to contentment. To frustration with my life to praising the Creator for how perfect my life is. Going from a whiny brat to a child flat on her face asking forgiveness. And of course the list goes on.

Yesterday was not the best day for me, and yet in so many ways it was the PERFECT day.

I woke up, wide awake, ready to start the day. Stepped outside of my dorm and the weather was warm. This has been a rarity, especially at 7:30 in the morning. I smiled and trotted along toward my class and enjoyed learning about the next speech we will be producing. Afterward I had breakfast with my friends Matthew and Abby. After Matthew left Abby and I had a delightful and insightful discussion over the struggles women face that are so often seen as only a man's struggle (will post about this another time.) Continuing my day I went back to my dorm spent some time doing nothing too exciting, napped, then went to my Philosophy class. Walking back to my dorm I was struck by how beautiful the campus is. Leaves were swirling around, students were laughing and chatting, workers were clearing the leaves from the pathway, it was so picturesque.

I received a package from one of my dearest and oldest friends from my hometown. Eagerly ripping it open, I pulled out a book and a three-page long letter. Walking around the campus, waiting for a friend to eat lunch with, I pored over the letter. It was straight out of a movie... picture it: A young blonde girl, Freshmen in college, just received a letter from a dear friend of her "past" while waiting for a "new" friend to continue her present with, anyway. The letter spoke of deep heartache, deep questions, and a yearning... a yearning for something more... different. And as I read these broken words I wanted so dearly to just hold her and pray over her and tell her everything would be okay, but I couldn't. And that's when the day began to go downhill.

Thoughts swirled around in my brain - angry thoughts, frustrated thoughts, hopeless thoughts. Where am I? Am I where God wants me to be? If so, why do I feel so helpless? Why do I feel so alone? Why AM I so alone? What is He going to do with my life? Why don't I have the answers? WHY WHY WHY?! These thoughts were penetrating my heart and mind. Thoughts of complete doubt. Sinful thoughts of doubt. And where was I a mere few minutes ago? Completely content with my life and enjoying my life with my Savior. In hindsight, I can see this as an attack of the enemy. At the time? I knew something was so inherently wrong with me, something was so sick and dark and twisted in me, that I was not a worthy person. So I slept. And slept. Read. And slept.

My father called me to wish me a Happy Halloween and I started bawling. Pangs of homesickness washed over me, my first holiday away from my dear parents. I couldn't handle it... I called my CaseyMay and boy did she speak the truth to me. What are friends for, if they do not speak the truth in love? She would not have been my bestie if she hadn't turned me to our Lord. Getting off the phone I was laying on my bed. Hurt, frustrated, sad, falling into my pit of depression. But as I cried out to my Jesus, telling Him what was going on, letting Him in... a peace came over me. He is not called the Prince of Peace for nothing.

Sometimes... I don't have the answers. Trust.
Sometimes... I don't know where I'm going. Trust.
Sometimes... I can do nothing for the ones I love but pray. Trust.
Sometimes... I feel all alone. Trust.
Sometimes... I fear He will not use me. Trust.
Sometimes... I feel inadequate. Trust.
Sometimes... I feel worthless. Trust.

Trust in the Father that He has the answers. Trust in my Jesus that He knows where I'm going and He will guide my footsteps. Trust that God will take care of my loved ones. Trust that I'm NEVER ALONE. Trust that God has a plan for my life. Trust that I am not inadequate through Jesus. Trust that my life was worth enough for my Savior to die on the cross.

I'm getting attacked, but I'm choosing joy for once. I figured out Satan was trying to get hold of my heart and my life. But he lost this battle and has already lost the war. He will not pull me down. I'm hanging on to my Jesus.

Later that night my pants were blessed off me (figuratively ;) I found out my brother has a roommate (albeit a female) that believes in God and has a faith that she lives out... an answer to my prayer that God would bring into his life people that know God and will love on him. I met with a woman who is willing to be my mentor. A dear older woman, wise in the faith, wise in years, who is going to take me under her wing. Willingly, happily ready to work with me. I was able to fellowship with people I have come to love and adore. And the most amazing of all? God used me to minister to a homeless man, that man allowed me to pray for him and his struggles... and I wasn't afraid to step out because Jesus was with me.

This life is indeed crazy, but my dear friends, my dear Jesus... and I wouldn't trade it for anything.


Dragonflysoul said...

my Sami :-) praise God for friends who can speak His truth to us at just the right moments! and praise God for His mercy and understanding.

life is so rough sometimes, even with Jesus by our sides. i, too, have many many days when i'm rejoicing and brimming with joyful noise in my heart. and the VERY next minute, i'm depressed and down and out. i'm just insane and moody that way. and the every day circumstances that we face don't help to make us any less insane - they often contribute to my roller coaster, though i've been known to be emotional with no outside stimulus whatsoever :-)

just remember that even when the disciples were on the boat with Jesus, the storm raged around them - but they were safe. the winds tossed their boat everywhere - but they were protected. the rains beat down on them - but they were never alone or in danger. Jesus was there. and He's there with you, even when no one else understands, no one else is present, or no one else cares.

i LOVE that song "No One Else Knows" by Building 429. i'm sure you know but listen to it anyway :-) i often play that song when i'm crying and hurting for no reason or for many reasons. even when my situations don't seem to be ameliorated, i find so much peace, love and comfort in knowing that above all, Jesus knows how i feel. He's not only beside us, but He's IN us, feeling what we feel in ways that not even our family and friends could.

love you babe :-) praying for you as always!

Paige said...

What a wonderful thing it must have been to minister to that gentleman. I can only hope a comforting peace of hope fell over him as you left him, Samantha. Simply because, so rarely does anyone openly speak and care for a stranger today. Do you not suppose how curious he must have been at your kindness. How wonderful an example you must have been of Christ' love.
I am so happy our Father is using you, Samantha, and hope that you continue to fight our enemy.

åslaug said...

Oh, Samantha, Jesus is beautiful. You served as His hands and feet today, praise Him.
I will pray for your lovely gentleman.

By the way, I love your "trust-line" it's so hard to learn. But our freedom and joy lies in it.