Thursday, October 2, 2008

My heart's current cry.

The Reality of Being Fake.

I walk by you, you don't notice. I smile, you don't see the sadness. I laugh, you don't see the tears. I tell you what you want to hear, you don't see through my lies. I dance, you can't see that my heart isn't in it. I breathe, you don't see the pain it causes me. I reach out, and you pull away. I turn away and search for Him.

I read the Bible, I'm beginning to question. I pray because I can and should, not because I want to. I'm living the perfect Christian life, my brain KNOWS, but my heart DOESN'T. I am convicted, but don't know what to do about it. I know there's more to this life, but right now I'm dead.

My heart cries out... I don't hear Your answer. I want to stop hurting, You allow the pain to continue. I'm tired of the depression that I just can't beat, You're trying to bring me closer, I'm only pulling away. My faith is dry. You say the faith of a mustard seed; I say what if I have the faith only the size of an electron? Is that enough? You walk toward me, I retreat further into myself. You have a plan, a purpose, a future for me and I can barely make it through the next minute. I asked you to break me, I didn't know it would feel so empty. I didn't know I'd feel so alone. When I call out, I doubt that you hear me. I'm reaching, searching, grasping, will You meet me here?

Can You turn my black roses red? Can You awaken my dead heart? Can You help me breathe? Can You help me understand You? Can I know You better? Can I be the servant You want me to be? Can You forgive me? Can You really be all that I need? Can we just spend some time together?