Sunday, July 6, 2008


I don't think I care anymore.

Leaves fall down from the trees that never had a chance.
The weather was too weird this year, they are barely living.

I'm praying for a dreamless sleep that lasts longer than five hours.

Barely breathing, choked by everything and nothing.

Praying for His presence, yet nothing. I'm too dense and selfish.

I'm done with all of this nonsense. I'm done with these fake people. I'm tired of being fake myself.

I was so, completely, utterly sad the other night, but I couldn't even cry.
There's something wrong with my emotions.

I peek above the surface, barely treading water. The light shimmers around me. It's all a figment of my imagination.

The reason so many of my friendships are failures? Because I am a runner, and I would rather move on than try to fix something that's so obviously broken. There is always someone else, always someone new, so if I feel like you don't care anymore - or that I'm not good enough, I move on to someone else who will care if only for a moment.

I want to be noticed, I want to be left alone.

I want to feel needed, I don't want to feel pressured.

I'm the epitome of countless oxymorons, my whole life is an oxymoron.

I will wake up in 7 hours, and be just fine, ashamed of this post. If I didn't know any better, I would call myself a manic depressive. But I know it's just hormones and my inability to deal with emotions.

I feel crazy constantly. I'm too much for anyone to handle.

Dear God, it's me again down here... I'm lost, sometimes You're so unclear, what can I do? I'm feeling so far from you... frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all. I'm breaking, I'm aching, for something beautiful...

I surrender.

There isn't much that happens at 4 am. Driving around my town makes me think of a horror movie. It's deathly quiet. Yet peaceful and still. A good amount of thinking takes place.

I'm constantly tired. And getting sick. I've stopped eating very much. Maybe two meals a day. I would eat less, but apparently people around me think food is healthy.

I'm having stupid conversations.
Going around in circles
Entirely bored
yet addicted to the drama

I want to curse a lot lately.
I have the best conversations with imaginary real people in my head. The people I'm around are such good listeners in my reality.

I wonder if I talk to myself too much and have conversations with these imaginary fake people that I will eventually cause myself to become crazy.

I'm hungry.
I'm exhausted.
I am restless. Just ramblin'
What do you do where do you go when no where feels like home.
I'm restless.

I know there's more to this life. Sometimes I wonder why I do anything besides praise the Creator, spend time with Him. Everything else can seem so fruitless at times.

I'm feeling crazy.
I'm realizing feelings are no basis for facts these days.
Feelings are misleading.
Feelings make you think you like someone when they are so obviously the wrong person for you.
Feelings make you jealous when you have no right to be jealous.

He's an idiot. He think he likes me. He likes the idea of me. He likes what I could be for him. He doesn't even know me. Why are guys so dumb? Why am I so dumb? Why do I even care? Why do I try to fight with him? Why do I try to get him to see my point of view? Haven't I gotten to the point in my Christian walk that I understand non-Christians don't see life the way I do?

The words are spewing out, an unstoppable force. I'm egging him on. Trying to end his infatuation with me, while remaining on good terms. Sometimes, most times, all the time... things are easier said than done.

I miss.
Feeling peace.
Being peaceful.
Being a sense of peace for others around me.
Who I was.
Who I want to be.
Who I am.

The floodgates are open on my heart. And I just want to cry it all away.

I'm leaving, but I don't know how I honestly feel about it. I know I'm supposed to be sad. But so far, I'm far from it. I know I'm supposed to miss people. But so far, I'm far from it. I hate that about me. I hate not caring.

I hate feeling like no one is listening.
I hate feeling like No One is listening.
I hate needing someone to listen.
I hate not knowing what to say.