I went back to Lewiston this past week from Wednesday to Sunday. It was... different than what I thought it would be. Refreshing, busy, exciting, sad: all my emotions were what I thought they'd be. But as far as Lewiston feeling like home? That would be a negative. And yet, does this dorm feel like home? No. I think that I'm in a place of limbo right now. Perhaps I won't have a true home until I settle down in one spot for longer than a year. But seeing as how my living situation probably won't be so permanent, at least for a couple of years, I'm currently just floating.

So much of my life feels like limbo. So many times I'm just waiting for something more. So many times I'm just yearning for what's next. You know this, I've spoken of it before. So how do you get to the point where you are completely content? Especially when Satan is constantly warring with Jesus for your soul. Can you really be content amongst that turmoil? Can you really be content when Satan is constantly distracting you? I understand trying to be joyful in all situations, and to count is as a blessing when you face trials, but contentment? I don't know about that.
And should one be content with the current state of the many unsaved souls around them? Should we be okay with how many people Satan has won over (if for the moment?) I don't think we should be content with that. I think we should be battling against the forces with all of our hearts, of course remembering Who is in control, but honestly, I think contentment is a joke. Perhaps, as Christians, we have gotten to be too content. Too safe and sound in our little bubble of Christianity. WE go to church, WE pray, WE spend time with God. But what of those people that have yet to experience the love of God? Do we just sit back contentedly while Satan reigns in their life? I don't think so. Should we as Christians be content in our walk with Jesus? Once again, I don't think so.
I'm really getting tired of mediocrity. In my own life most of all. I think these past few weeks I've been too set on trying to be content instead of making something happen. Maybe I feel bad inside for a reason. Maybe God is trying to push me. Heaven forbid He'd want me to actually grow instead of be content.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have even my own answer. I just know that something has to change. Something has to be different about my walk. Something has to be different about my life. I think that my yearning for more is there for a reason, sometimes yearning for more (as long as it's in line with what God wants for us) is a good thing. It's something necessary. I think we need to stop lying to ourselves about being content, it's an excuse. We sit back far too often while people die around us, condemned to hell for eternity, because we were busy trying to be content.

Something in my soul just doesn't feel right. And maybe, that's okay.

Breathe.

Did you know that when you turn off the noise, an amazing peace can occur. For three or so hours I turned off my phone, walked away from my computer, got dinner and went on a date with Jesus. Do you even understand how freeing it was to finally not have the distraction of my cell phone? The one mechanism I am attached to more than anything else? The one technological advance that can really distract me from my Heavenly Father? It was amazing. So much so, that I still haven't turned it back on. The only reason I'm on my computer is because I had homework and just wanted to share the peace, relief, joyfulness I felt when I turned off the noise and distractions and tuned into what God had to say to me.

The difference is amazing.

I am more at peace now with my situation than I have been since I got here. I renewed some vows, made some new ones, figured out priorities, and have a new heart for school. For once, I don't feel disgruntled. I don't feel like something is missing. I don't feel as though I have a need that must be filled. I'm just, content. I'm not yearning for the future, I'm happy to be right here, right now. I'm not yearning for a boy to sweep me off my feet, because Jesus is the only Man I need. I'm not yearning to be touched, because my Father holds me when I sleep, and takes my hand throughout the day. I'm not worried about any homework, any tests that are coming up, or anything else concerning school because I'm going to make it a priority (what else am I really spending money on) and do my best. I'm not concerned about which school I'm going to transfer to, or what career I'm going to have because God will reveal it to me in His good time. And I'm not concerned about any of my relationships with friends or family or even God anymore. I'm cutting myself some slack, God has already forgiven me for not putting Him first, and so now... bit by bit, I'm going to make Him my first priority and everyone else will be secondary.

As I was walking along the river observing the people around me, the scenery, breathtaking creation I came upon a father/daughter pair. The dad was maybe 25 or so and the young girl was probably about five. It was truly a precious sight. They each had a vanilla ice cream cone and the father was staring at his daughter with complete adoration, hanging onto every word she was saying. I smile now, even more than I did then, because I think of how my relationship can and is this way with God. He was with me in the park, walking by my side, hanging onto my every thought, staring at me with adoration.

Jesus LOVES me. The greatest love of all. The most amazing love. The truest love. The most perfect love. Everlasting, divine love. The only love I will always have for eternity. How great is that? Oh I feel like dancing, singing, shouting, running. That kind of love can move mountains. But before I get to the stage in my life where God can use me to move those mountains, I'm content where I am. He is changing my heart, cleaning out any unrighteous thing in me, and revealing the desires of my heart. I AM running after His heart, even when I think I'm completely dense and stunted. He never lets me stop.

running the good race toward His heart,
Samantha Marie

I Wanna Set the World on Fire.

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it`s burning bright for You
It`s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There`s nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father`s hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

I`m gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

-Britt Nicole

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASEY MAY (:

My dearest best friend Casey May,

Hello darling, today is your 20th birthday. How long it seems that it has been since we first met even though it's only been a couple of years. Ha, come to think of it, we met when you were 18 and guess how old I am?!? (For at least three more months.) So much has changed in two years. We are completely different people now. I have had the privilege of seeing you grow in your faith, in your relationships, and just overall as a young woman of God.
You have been the most wonderful influence on me. I can truly say you are my soul mate best friend. You push me, iron me ;) and challenge me in the best ways. So today, I want to thank you.
Truly you have grown into one of the most patient, loving, good, kind, joyful, peaceful, gentle, faithful, self-controlled people I know. (: I can't wait until I see how much you have changed in another two years. But for now, I'm excited to see where your 20th year takes you as you falling God's heart. You are standing on His promises, morphing into a most faithful servant. It's truly a blessing to experience this part of your life, even though it's not as much as I'd like.
I love you so very much my dearest best friend. Here's wishing you the HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY EVER <3

Love your sister in Christ,
Samantha Marie

Let me go there

Running after His heart.

I think at this moment, if I were to be honest, I'd be lucky to be able to say I was crawling painstakingly slow after His heart. I do a lot of talking in my walk with the Lord, and sometimes I do some walking, but not often enough.

Have you ever really compared your relationship with God to that of your relationship with your spouse, best friend, brother, sister, a parent? Who do you spend more time with? Who do you tell more to? Who do you go to for advice first? Who do you call with exciting news first?

If I were to be honest, God would not be my answer for any of those questions. Hopefully for most of you, you'd be able to answer our Lord and Saviour, but I can't. I disgust myself really.

I TRULY desire to do what God has planned for my life. I want to go to a Bible college or Christian University and get a degree that will best enable me to serve the Body of Christ. I want to marry the right guy. I want to have a good family. I want to have good, strong, Christ-centered relationships with my friends and family. But, how can I do that when I do not spend enough time with God? How can I know His will for my life if I don't talk about it with HIM?

-Sigh-

I made a poopy. And once again I need my Father to clean me up, lovingly discipline me, and set me back up on my feet.

I have an interesting, stupid need to be perfect. No wonder I don't go to Jesus as I should. I think I'm above His help. And that's the farthest thing from the truth. He is the only ONE that can be my Everything.

Father please forgive me...
Your messy, ashamed, daughter,
Samantha Marie

Take My Heart and Please Break it.

The sun was shining as I walked toward my dorm. The birds were chirping, the grass was green with moisture, the air was crisp yet warm, people were riding their bikes; the world was spinning around me.

The world seemed perfect and I was the awkward depressed girl. I hate how I can have everything going so well, I can be so happy, and then at the drop of a hat I'm beyond sad and in a giant gaping hole.

I feel like I'm missing something. I know that God is the only one who can fill any void that I have, so I went on a walk with Him... actually I call it more of a date. I get dinner, walk a ways, sit down in the park, eat with Him, continue walking, read His word, pray, be still, know He is God. I've done this twice, same day of the past two weeks. I think God really wants my attention. I just don't know, I just feel blah.

But there is Hope, there is Light, there is Truth. And I will run after His heart.