Late at night.

I am enjoying my late nights.

Peaceful.

Serene.

Tranquil.

Perhaps, the only thing I don't like, are the early mornings that follow a late night :-D
But apparently since I'm young, I'm also crazy, and do not need much sleep.

As the world spins madly on, I sit perfectly calm in my room, pondering the inner-workings of myself, God, other people, the world. My thoughts are a beautiful blur. I often think in retrospect, it's a lovely state of mind.

I've had writer's block lately, and I think it's because I've been wanting to write as someone I'm not. I have been trying to come up with these witty posts, intriguing topics, relateable posts. But really, this blog is for me and I just need to write whatever flows from my fingers...

Even if it's just random nonsense such as this (:

It's 2 am, and I'm having coffee in the morning with a dear friend. I will not regret this late night nor the early morning. I can do both. And considering in ten years when I will (God willing) have a family and won't be able to do these late nights and early mornings, I'm going to savor this time as a teenager. Often, I think I'm trying so hard to "grow up" that I forget to live in the moment.

As my thoughts trail off, so does this blog...

Running after His heart,
SamanthaMarie

Talking is apparently a trend in my life.

In the course of two days I have had three... Three emotionally draining, completely uplifting, absolutely necessary, life changing talks. With three different people. Apparently, talking to me has become a trend in my life. So, if anyone feels the need to hash it out with me right now, go for it. Seriously, I'm all eyes :D

I haven't had such raw and real conversations with these three people in such a long time (ever for one of them.) It was so refreshing. Refreshing to know that people really do want you to be honest. Refreshing to hear the truth and be okay with whatever the truth is. Refreshing to be able to tell someone about your relationship with God even though that wasn't the initial point of your conversation. Refreshing to talk about anything and everything. Refreshing to be raw and real.

Relationships are so vital. I often think that if I didn't have friends or family I would be fine, because I truly value my alone time. But I'm learning, that when I talk to people and actually talk about my feelings my outlook on life, my relationship with God, my whole disposition is so much better. Apparently, our dear Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He gave us voice boxes (: (and ears! Ears are good tools to have for that whole conversation thing :-D)

The only thing missing is my best friend :( I've been thinking a lot this week that if it's so hard right now to be apart for a mere seven days, how hard is it going to be when we are hundreds of miles apart? I know our friendship is invaluable and that we will be best friends for life. But I'm truly going to miss being able to walk to her house in 7 minutes. I'm going to miss late night talks under our Creator's beautiful sky. I'm going to miss our monster hugs that make me feel better no matter what I'm going through. I'm going to miss being able to call her and tell her that I need her and her being able to drop everything and be there for me in person in no time flat.

Life is changing, and sometimes I wish I could push a giant pause button. But apparently, I can't.

And yet, I will be running after His heart,
Samantha

And there were lessons learned.

For it only being 9:30 in the morning, this sure has been one crazy day already. Remind me again why I woke up early when I could still be sleeping? :-P

Went running at the booty-crack-of-dawn today with Casey May (really, it wasn't that early, only 7:00, but when you are a teenager on summer vacation, it's EARLY ;)) I got a blister, she got a broken heart :( But I'll let her explain that if she wants to.

Came home, had some coffee and toast and started having my devotions. Which by the way, this would be my third day in a row, go me! I'm usually horrible at keeping a good, steady quiet time. But then I was trying to read in Psalms and the thing that has been bothering me lately (my financial crap that I have to deal with for college and changing around my classes) was distracting me, so I decided to take care of it so I could totally focus on God. I called my mom and asked for her help and we got into because (and here comes the lesson part!!!!)

She told me to call the financial office and figure it out on my own, because she wasn't going to be able to help me with this stuff all the time anymore. (Not quite so bluntly, and in a nicer tone, but I mean basically...)
Momma say what?

And that's when I realized, adulthood is really bearing down upon me. Ew. What happened to the carefree days of mud pies and slip-n-slides? What happened to money growing on trees? What in the world is that checkbook and credit card doing in my wallet? I don't wanna!!!

So in the course of about 5 minutes I went from young Sami to adult Sami. Sick. But alas, I put on my big kid pants and called the office and talked to a very nice lady that explained everything. And I also changed my class schedule around (I'm sooo excited for the classes I have and the schedule I have! :D)

But seriously, this whole on-my-own-thing. It sucks. I want my mommy and daddy to hold my hand forever!!

And then I remember...
God will always be holding my hand, every step of the way (:

Running After HIS Heart,
Samantha Marie

Thursday Thoughts

I don't know if I've ever had a song in my dream play so vividly. Colbie Caillat's (sp?!) song "Realize" was playing quite prominently in the background of my dream right before I woke up. It was by far, one of these strangest things to ever happen in one of my dreams. Especially since I only hear that song when I'm working. Has anyone else ever incorporated a song into your dream?

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Sometimes so much has been going on that it's hard to explain everything in a witty, flowing post, hence the random montage of what-have-yous this post will have.

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I think that it is impossible to be friends with a guy that likes you. Even more impossible when you have no choice but to see said guy because he works with you.

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Satan's attacks are coming full force. So many people I know are dealing with his attempts to get us off the path of righteousness, myself included. It's been a hard few weeks. And I'm finally overcoming these attacks, but I'm tired. And annoyed. And guilty. And disappointed. And sad. And angry.

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At least, I'm finally feeling.

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I'm beginning to hate food and the fact that nothing ever sounds good. It's a struggle to eat everyday. And I know this is my way of controlling something in my life, which is obviously no bueno. I need to give that up to God and learn how to turn to Him for everything instead of other worldly things.

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I hate the awkward looks he gives me, males are stooooopid.

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I love A Walk to Remember it's so beautiful :D

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It's heating up!! And I secretly LOVE it, while everyone around me constantly bemoans the 90 and 100 degree weather. I much prefer it to the cold any day!! Plus, summer nights are absolute LOVE!!

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Today, this morning, I sat out on my deck with a cup of coffee and then a smoothie spending time in the Word, and it was peaceful... comforting... a breath of air... just what I needed.

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I miss all of you very much!!

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Casey is going to Texas now, and I'm rather excited because Texas is warmer than Minnesota ;) And I'd love to visit :D Aaaand... God has a plan :D

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This Satuday Casey and I are going to spend the night out in my backyard underneath God's amazing sky, I'm so excited!!

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Next Saturday I have a wedding to go to for my cousin!! YAY!!! :D I dreamed about that last night as well.

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I'm far from spending my summer the way I wanted to :-P Far from spending it the way I should... Bleh.

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Now I'm off! To the great adventure of taking a shower and getting ready for the day, wee!!!

Update

I cleaned my room :D

Lazy Summer

I'm definitely having a lazy summer lately.

I work, I read, I hang out with people, I stare at my bedroom and think about how I should clean it. But really, I haven't been doing anything overly productive.


And thus, I haven't had anything really interesting to say.

(:

Miss you all!

Meh.

I don't think I care anymore.

Leaves fall down from the trees that never had a chance.
The weather was too weird this year, they are barely living.

I'm praying for a dreamless sleep that lasts longer than five hours.

Barely breathing, choked by everything and nothing.

Praying for His presence, yet nothing. I'm too dense and selfish.

I'm done with all of this nonsense. I'm done with these fake people. I'm tired of being fake myself.

I was so, completely, utterly sad the other night, but I couldn't even cry.
There's something wrong with my emotions.

I peek above the surface, barely treading water. The light shimmers around me. It's all a figment of my imagination.

The reason so many of my friendships are failures? Because I am a runner, and I would rather move on than try to fix something that's so obviously broken. There is always someone else, always someone new, so if I feel like you don't care anymore - or that I'm not good enough, I move on to someone else who will care if only for a moment.

I want to be noticed, I want to be left alone.

I want to feel needed, I don't want to feel pressured.

I'm the epitome of countless oxymorons, my whole life is an oxymoron.

I will wake up in 7 hours, and be just fine, ashamed of this post. If I didn't know any better, I would call myself a manic depressive. But I know it's just hormones and my inability to deal with emotions.

I feel crazy constantly. I'm too much for anyone to handle.

Dear God, it's me again down here... I'm lost, sometimes You're so unclear, what can I do? I'm feeling so far from you... frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all. I'm breaking, I'm aching, for something beautiful...

I surrender.

There isn't much that happens at 4 am. Driving around my town makes me think of a horror movie. It's deathly quiet. Yet peaceful and still. A good amount of thinking takes place.

I'm constantly tired. And getting sick. I've stopped eating very much. Maybe two meals a day. I would eat less, but apparently people around me think food is healthy.

I'm having stupid conversations.
Going around in circles
Entirely bored
yet addicted to the drama

I want to curse a lot lately.
I have the best conversations with imaginary real people in my head. The people I'm around are such good listeners in my reality.

I wonder if I talk to myself too much and have conversations with these imaginary fake people that I will eventually cause myself to become crazy.

I'm hungry.
I'm exhausted.
I am restless. Just ramblin'
What do you do where do you go when no where feels like home.
I'm restless.

I know there's more to this life. Sometimes I wonder why I do anything besides praise the Creator, spend time with Him. Everything else can seem so fruitless at times.

I'm feeling crazy.
I'm realizing feelings are no basis for facts these days.
Feelings are misleading.
Feelings make you think you like someone when they are so obviously the wrong person for you.
Feelings make you jealous when you have no right to be jealous.

He's an idiot. He think he likes me. He likes the idea of me. He likes what I could be for him. He doesn't even know me. Why are guys so dumb? Why am I so dumb? Why do I even care? Why do I try to fight with him? Why do I try to get him to see my point of view? Haven't I gotten to the point in my Christian walk that I understand non-Christians don't see life the way I do?

The words are spewing out, an unstoppable force. I'm egging him on. Trying to end his infatuation with me, while remaining on good terms. Sometimes, most times, all the time... things are easier said than done.

I miss.
Him.
You.
Them.
It.
Her.
Life.
Tears.
Breathing.
Sleeping.
Eating.
Energy.
Music.
Laughing.
Feeling peace.
Being peaceful.
Being a sense of peace for others around me.
Hearing.
Caring.
Who I was.
Who I want to be.
Who I am.

The floodgates are open on my heart. And I just want to cry it all away.

I'm leaving, but I don't know how I honestly feel about it. I know I'm supposed to be sad. But so far, I'm far from it. I know I'm supposed to miss people. But so far, I'm far from it. I hate that about me. I hate not caring.

I hate feeling like no one is listening.
I hate feeling like No One is listening.
I hate needing someone to listen.
I hate not knowing what to say.

Recap of Orientation

Hello fellow bloggers!

Sooooo. How did orientation go? Overall, it was pretty good (: Learned a lot about the campus, clubs, how to get football tickets (lol), classes, etc. Got to see what my dorm room will be like (tiny, utterly, hopelessly, TINY.) Met a few cool people and have plans to hang out with one of the girls before school even starts. (: There was a guy from Holland and a guy from Florida in my group, pretty cool that BSU is WAY more diverse than my tiny town ;)

But then there was that whole staying up until 4:00 am because about three or four little girls (okay, young women my age :P) and three guys decided to run around the halls screaming and flirting with one another. How thoughtful (: We sure did learn a lot about respect, but apparently not how to utilize it. What a shame...

College will definitely be interesting!!

Thank you for all of your prayers. The drive was good and I had a blast with my mommy (: It was a great four days!!