The darkness turns into light

"You can't understand light unless you understand darkness, because that's where life is most often lived...somewhere between the two. It's messy and it's beautiful all at the same time." - Bebo Norman

As breaths go by, minutes slip through my fingers, hours rush on, and days turn into months I realize something... every hard part of my life, every lesson learned, every time I'm living in the darkness, it's for the good of who I am becoming. Some lessons must simply be learned on your own, we must make our own mistakes. Sure, it's great to learn from those who have gone before us, but if you never made one mistake, how would you ever truly learn?

It's true as Bebo wisely says, most often we are living in between the dark and the light... in between the horrible and the wonderful, the falsehoods and the truth. And I realize that my journeys into the horrible, dark, falsehoods are what shape me the most. Don't get me wrong... if I could constantly live in the light, the truth, and be wonderful at all times, I would. But I'm pretty sure if that was happening, I would be in heaven, and I know my time on earth is not yet done. But truly, the experiences in the dark - the screw-ups, the "poopies," the 'uh-oh I need a band-aid', these are the things that allow God's mighty power to shine through, it's where we fall flat on our faces and worship/praise/cry-out to/ the King, for we are powerless to do anything else.

During these seasons, amongst the rubble and debris, amongst the mud, this is where God picks us up, places us on His lap, and begins cleaning us. These are the moments we are vulnerable and most open to learning. As He cleans us up, He teaches us. And if we have any sort of brains, we listen to our Father. Then, with a few bruises and a new understanding we get "back up on the horse" and ride off into the sunset. Only to repeat the process soon-after.

This is not bad, it's beautiful. That is not to say, sin-away! God will always clean up after you. No, no dear sisters and brothers, let us not abuse the gift of grace. But the innocent mistakes, the lessons that we must learn, these are what God can use to show others His grace and love.

So... I'm climbing up out of my mud puddle and I'm hoping others will see that, yes I failed. But God is there for me, His arms open wide. And as I come crawling to Him, He will lift me up into His loving, sovereign arms and clean me up while telling me what I did wrong and how to behave next time. My lesson will be learned. And God's glory will be shown through my weakness. This is probably the most humbling part of the whole situation, God uses us in our worst moments, for the glory of His kingdom. I've seen it done, I've experienced it, it happens. It's exciting!! I love that about God. Everything is always the opposite of the world. And it's the best!

I took a walk down to the river
And I laid my burdens down
Before the Taker and the Giver
And I am finally found
Bebo Norman - I Know Now

In His Love,
Samantha

Let Go

So life has been crazy, as you well know. But I have a feeling it's going to slow down. At least enough to where I can be on here long enough to read and comment your blogs and maybe write a few of my own. ;-)

I've been pretty down in the dumps lately (as you may have gaged from Casey's blog) and confused about a lot of aspects of life. Some, I don't really care to talk about as I'm still coming to terms with it all.

Then there is this whole summer of limbo. I'm no longer in high school... but not yet in college. I'm just here. Waiting to say good-bye to friends, praying that I will meet new friends in college. Waiting to say good-bye to my family while trying to enjoy every minute I do have with them. Trying to spend time with people that matter most, while not shunning the rest of my friends.

It's an odd and unattainable balancing act. As soon as I think I have a handle on one thing I drop something else that I'm juggling and it shatters around my feet. Then, not only am I juggling 85 different things, I also have to tip-toe around all the shattered things on the ground. I seem to be making a mess of my life. But I'm beginning to realize I just need to give it all to God, stop being such a control-freak, realize that I am His child and He will clean up my mess and help me learn my lesson if I just relinquish whatever control I think I have.

To say the least, I do believe this will be a summer of growth and change if I just open my mind and heart and soul to God. Most importantly...
I need to
LET GO.

Apology

I'm sorry I haven't been on! I'm sorry I haven't been commenting any of you back or commenting your blogs. I've been much more busy than I would have thought, which is good and bad. I'm still praying for all of you and read your blogs when I can even if I don't comment. I'm hoping to get back on here soon and actually write something of substance as well as comment your latest blogs! I love you all!!

Thursday ;)

Thursday was the end. The last day of school. The last day of high school. The last day of public schooling. The last day I wouldn't have to pay a penny for my education. The last time I would walk the halls of my beloved high school as a student. The last time I would venture into that world as a student to my teachers. From now on, during visits, I will refer to them on a first-name basis... awkward (maybe I just will always call them Mrs. Yarno, Mrs. Snider, etc. :))

I woke up, with not much anticipation. I did not feel different. I wasn't overly excited. I just was. I was happy to be done with school (although it felt like just another year under the belt.) I was excited that I didn't have any tests. I was excited for graduation practice. But other than that... life wasn't much different.
While making my breakfast I was treated to my annual end-of-year-note from my loving father. Telling me how proud my mom and he are of me. He also gave me five dollars for a coffee, what a lovely man :-)
Drove to school and floated through first hour. But then second hour arrived and by the end I was an utter mess. My second hour teacher is like my mom. I have been through a lot with her. We have fought like mother and daughter, gone to dinner like mother and daughter, laughed, cried, and shared with one another for the past three years. She gave me a bracelet that I will always cherish and I will continue to keep in touch with that lovely woman. Then, I continued on to third hour and floated through that.
After third hour was the Senior barbecue. But Rebecca and I decided to be rebels and skip out :) We went to Mandarin Pine instead and had yummy egg rolls, fried rice, chow mein, and almond chicken. Way better than burgers :D Plus, it gave us time to ponder our last day, think about the past year, and wonder about what was to come. I began the school year with her, and ended it with her, it was fitting.

Then came the ever traumatic graduation ceremony practice. First, I need to explain five things.
1.) My high school has a tradition of allowing you to walk with whomever you want instead of coming in alphabetically. You can only walk up to four people in a group.
2.) David is my best guy friend and we had planned on walking with Heather and Rebecca.
3.) Heather is not really a friend of mine anymore... but she didn't have anyone else to walk with, so we let her walk with us.
4.) Jeffrey is Rebecca's best guy friend and didn't really have anyone to walk with.
5.) I've been having problems with David lately, and on Thursday he said that if his friend Marina didn't have anyone to walk with he was going to walk with her. (Which upset me.)

So, we get to the venue and we are told to get in our groups. Everyone is pretty much standing there looking at everyone else, trying to figure out who was going to be kicked out of the group. So I made a snap decision, told David to walk with Marina and her group and then Jeff could walk with us. I instantly regretted my decision and spent the whole practice upset that I was walking with Heather who I don't even particularly care for instead of David my best friend. I am a poopy person for so many reasons. But I gave it all to God, got over myself, and was able to be happy with my group in the end.

I got my hair cut Thursday, it was nice (:
My grandparents came into town! I absolutely LOVE them. We went out to dinner. Ate at Applebee's, had a lovely time visiting and catching up.

And that was pretty much the sum of Thursday.

What I learned from that day...
1.) High school is not really the end, but merely a beginning. On the horizon are so many opportunities, so many places yet untraveled, so many lives yet to be met, so many experiences yet to be had. So, if you ask me if I'm sad, I have this to say. Not really, because I know there is so much more to come and for that I'm joyful. I can look back on my high school years, proud of my growth and happy about the friends I made, but the past is the past and I need to live in the present :)
2.) Sometimes life will not go the way *I* had planned. I need to learn to get over that. I also need to realize that my attitude and how I react to things affects the people around me, so I need to be careful, especially as a representative of Christ.
3.) I love my grandparents =)

Quick Note

I survived! I graduated! I came! I saw! I conquered! ;)
Tehe!
Anywho, I will be posting a series of blogs that will be labeled...
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday

This is because...
1.) I'm so creative that I decided to use the days of the week ;)
2.) So much happened each day that I wanted to break up the amount of writing so that you can read at leisure and it isn't all one huge post.

But for right now, I have to go write some thank-you cards and eat some yummy leftovers.
LOVE YOU ALL AND HAVE MISSED YOU BUNCHES!!!

Busy

I just wanted to drop a quick note and let you all know that this next week I will be very busy with last minute projects, tests, and preparations for graduation. Let alone the actual commencement ceremony and all the celebrations with friends and family. I will try to reply to any comments and try to keep up on the blogs that you post, but if I'm slow in responding or you notice a lack of comments or a lack of new blogs, fear not! I am not dead, but merely freakishly busy!! :)

I pray God's spirit will work in all of your lives this week and that you will turn to Him for your every need. Take care dear ones!! I love you!! (:

That Girl's Testimony

My name is Samantha. And here is my promised testimony (only a month or so later than previously predicted ;)

Growing up I was your average, everyday girl. I was a happy child with loving parents, a fun (if not sometimes abusive :D) older brother, and an extended family that was pretty close. We were not a church-going family. I first learned what death was at age five and was deathly (pun intended) afraid of it from that day on. I didn't want to cease to exist. It was scary to me. As I grew older, to put it bluntly, I grew larger. I hated the way I looked but I turned to food for comfort. Friends that I once had in elementary school were quick to abandon me in Junior High for more popular and pretty friends, and I, I continued to eat. In eighth grade I was so depressed that I planned to kill myself, going so far as to put a hanger around my neck, but it broke. I eventually for whatever reason (God's reason) just started to get a bit happier every day, I found some good friends, and moved on with life. In 9th grade I had a destructive relationship with a boy a smidgen older than me but still in my grade. He... was not a horrible person, but nor was he a saint. I was the typical dumb girl, thinking we were meant to be together forever, but it ended all too soon. But then drug on over the course of the next year and a half as a friends-with-benefits-maybe-one-day-we'll-get-back-together-thing (and yes, I am still a virgin, my definition of friends with benefits is that of making out excessively.) Sophomore year, was.... wretched. I spiraled back down into depression. I began drinking.
And yet, with God's good grace He had placed in my life a friend and a cousin that were instrumental in me being saved. My cousin, Grace, got me my first Bible in 8th or 9th book and I finally began exploring it in Sophomore year. My friend, Hannah, an avid church-goer and lover of Jesus introduced me to a series of books called My Name is Chloe by Melody Carlson. One night, in June the summer after my sophomore year, while I was re-reading the first book of the series and I got to the part where she gets saved, I felt a pressure to dig out my Bible. And for the life of me I can't remember what I read, but it just finally clicked. And by myself, alone in my room, I asked Jesus into my heart (and actually felt the Holy Spirit come upon me as soon as I had prayed my prayer.) Life has never been the same since.

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I’ve never seen
I am changing: less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

I was pretty hush-hush about the whole thing until I told my cousin one day in July-ish. She told my aunt and her whole family was so excited (they are the only really strong believers in my entire family on my dad's side.) So they took me out for a celebratory dinner and I was forced to tell my parents why (they didn't handle it too well.)

When the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in You, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I’ll be found in You

As Junior year went on I kind of floated along how I would have normally until I went to a meeting for First Priority (a Christian club at my school). There I met Casey and became friends with her and slowly, painstakingly began to shed who I WAS. Even then though, I was having some severe issues with who I was until I came to another complete breaking point.
Hannah had moved on and I didn't know why. I told her to never worry about me anymore because I would be fine all alone (yes, what a pity party!) She had me over to her house and we had it out, crying, words, all of it. She forced me to open my eyes and figure out who I am in Christ. With verses and words of encouragement I began a long journey that leads me to where I am today. With key events in my life such as my baptism, Acquire the Fire, strengthening my friendships with Casey and Rebecca, leaving behind destructive friendships, I have grown into the young woman of God I am today.

There’s distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay
But I’ve heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

If I could tell you one thing about what I've learned thus far on my walk with Jesus (well I can't really choose, but I do want to mention this) is that it never is perfect. We are never perfect. Temptations of old are never really completely gone. They lay dormant until the enemy chooses to attack us. But if we hold on, really hold on, to Jesus and chase after His heart for us, we'll make it through. The path we choose is far from easy, but its rewards are eternal. The world tells us how crazy we are. How many times have I been asked "How come you don't drink anymore?" How many times have I been told "You are so dumb for not cursing anymore, God doesn't care that much." And how many times have I been condescendingly told that what I believe is "nice?" Too many times to count my dear sisters. But even through it all, I'm firm in my faith, I know what we believe is true, and I hold onto all the promises God has for us. There is never a day in which I don't realize how different me and my fellow believers are from the rest of the world, and there is NEVER a day I'm not thankful for that difference. I LOVE God. I LOVE my life. I'm so thankful that He would save me. The GREAT I AM sent His Son to die for my sins. And you tell me my God isn't loving?

When the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in You, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I’ll be found in You

What I struggle with currently in my on-going battle and this amazing journey is the passion to save the lives around me, especially those of my parents, brother, and other extended family. My heart's cry (as many of you well know) is to share the love of Christ with non-believers. And I won't be stopped, can't be stopped, and will do all I can for the King that saved me. Isn't that the least I can do?

If you read this, wow. You must love me (: or at least love testimonies. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your love and prayers. Thank you my dear sisters in Christ. May we all rejoice together one day in Heaven!!

In His Love,
Samantha

(Lyrics are by Cadia-Shadowfeet)